We’ve come a long way when it comes to gay rights in this country. Gay folks can get married in most states, we have a visible presence in the media, and it is no longer cool to use “gay” as an insult in casual conversation—note, if you are still using “gay” as an insult in casual conversation, it officially is no longer cool. Still, we have a ways to go before "it gets better" has officially been gotten, and as our fight for equality continues, we, the gays, are subjected to a series of quiet struggles from which our hetero friends are spared.
I, the lesbian comedian, am often bombarded with questions and comments about my sexuality by new friends, near strangers, and people who just saw my set. In an attempt to streamline conversation and eliminate some of the redundancy, I give you: five questions I have to answer as a lesbian comedian that I am honestly tired of having to answer.
1.) “Hey, if you were straight, we’d totally hook up, right?”
Yup. We sure would. It’s my loss, really! I have no doubt that you, the slender armed, jeans and sneakers dude I’ve known for less than an hour could rock me like a hurricane, if only I wasn’t shackled to the windowless cell that is my homosexuality. Thank you for being open-minded enough to look past something that I have known about myself my entire life and find it in your heart to sexualize me in a way that will make me wildly uncomfortable around you for the rest of of this encounter. Now do me a favor and hug me when I try to leave the room. Yeah, hold me tight so that know what I’m missing and put your hands super low on my back in a way that would be creepy if we weren’t basically already dating. I don’t need personal space. I’m a lesbian not one of those regular girls who might mis-construe your obviously sexual advances as definitely sexual advances. Sharing these non-concentual moments with you makes me feel special, secure in our friendship, and safe being alone with you in narrow and deserted hallways.
2.) “Aren’t you too hot to be a lesbian?”
I sure am! Thanks for noticing. You wouldn’t believe the amount of paperwork I had to go through to get into a group that is generally reserved for husky, ill-adorned, cargo short-wearing troll people. Because if there’s one thing we know about lesbians it’s that the only reason we date other women is that we are too unattractive to be sexually desirable to men.
I appreciate the compliment, guys, and I’ll admit that when it comes to personal style, some lesbians have “let it go” farther than Elsa in the Frozen sequel, but I’m still a member of the tribe, so an insult to them is an insult to me. We come in all shapes and sizes, friends—and statistically speaking, lesbians come in the bedroom twenty percent more than straight women, too. Lesbians may or may not be cute, but speaking in stereotypes never is. I’ll believe I’m too hot to be a lesbian when you can convince a dude that his dick is too big for him to be gay.
3.) “We just met, but I wanted to ask you some intimate and personal questions about your sex life. You don’t mind, do you?”
Nope! I signed up to telecast the intimate details of my sex life the moment I decided to adopt a non-conforming sexual orientation. Go ahead! Ask away. Have I ever done butt stuff? What fingers, where? Would I ever…? Do I like…? Even if it is none of your business, pull up a chair. I’d be more than happy to talk to you in graphic, personal detail about exactly what I do during sex. They don’t call it intimacy because you don’t not want to share it with strangers, am I right?
4.) “Have you met my friend, *insert name here*? You two would have SO much in common!”
Ah, your other lesbian friend. Thanks for the invite, but my dance card is full. I’m sure she’s fantastic, but my guess is that you haven’t spoken to her since middle school, and this is mostly a ploy to get me to think you’re cool because you have a gay friend. Tell you what: I’ll assume you’re not homophobic until you prove me otherwise, deal? You don’t have to bring up ol Sarah Edwards from your high school soccer team to score rainbow points with me. Unless she’s single and lives in the area, in which case….
5.) “You know, my girlfriend is bisexual.”
Great! She’s your girlfriend, so that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Thanks for the info! And best of luck with that threesome you are very clearly trying to coordinate “because you know how much she would be into it.”