Yesterday afternoon, we all got super excited because somebody was climbing the Trump Tower using suction cups. We shivered with anticipation. We wondered how in the world suction cups could support a person when they couldn’t support our loofah in the shower. We wondered what was he going to do when he got up there—was he going to eat a taco salad? Was he going to measure Trump’s tiny widdle hands? Well, hope you like being let down! It all turned out to be an extremely boring, run-of-the-mill “white guy gets away with something he probably shouldn’t have” case of nonsense. Thanks for nothing, Steve from Virginia!
Here’s what I wished would happen, and what would have made it more exciting:
1. . Turns Out, It Was Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz really should have been the presidential nominee, I guess. He’s got everything going for him that a current Republican candidate should---a creepy smile, a dislike for Obama, a lowkey dislike for anybody different, and an actual resumé in politics. But he wasn’t. How the mighty have fallen! A once hero for the GOP, beat by the businessman supervillian! Trump who made fun of him all election. Now he’s getting booed at the RNC. He’s got nothing. So what else is there to do? A lonely climb up a lonely tower, to foil the Evil Trump. Ted Cruz could do it. Why? Because he has real tentacles. Ones that come….with suction cups.
2. . This Guy Wasn't Actually A Trump Supporter
I mean, this isn’t too much to ask. You would THINK that somebody who would take all that time out of his day to climb the tower of Trump didn’t like the guy. If you like the guy, you should do what the rest of them are doing: defend that psycho thing he said about maybe murdering the democratic candidate, hold a sign, or sit on your couch drinking beer and screaming about people of different races. All of these things are much easier. Also: if you ARE a Trump supporter, maybe go INSIDE the building. They might let you in. I don’t know. I would have much rather this been a metaphor for the little guy climbing up Goliath and also maybe going at Goliath with a slingshot loaded with nacho cheese. That would have been neat.
3. . He Could Have Peered Into Trump's Office
Steve from Virginia could have done us all a solid by taking a peek into Trump’s office. Do you know how silly his office must look? I imagine: a full-sized cardboard cutout of him on Rocky’s body. A giant Iron throne. A large map of the world with red x’s over everything but America. A Human Centipede. A book called “Leaders With Small Hands.” I would like to know what we’re working with here.
4. . It's Guerrilla Marketing For A New All-Female Franchise Film
Guess what? They’re remaking Fight Club…with WOMEN! Guess what? They’re ALSO making Batman a widdle girl who loves dresses! The All-Female WIRE! Steve from Virginia climbs to the top of a tower and reveals a sign: every one of your favorite movies is just going to be made with WOMEN! What nightmares must these filmmakers think of next?
5. . It Was The Steve From Virginia YOU Know
I’m fairly confident everyone here knows a Steve from Virginia. Maybe you met him at a Phish concert, wearing a beanie and no shirt. Maybe he’s the guy your cousin gets his drugs from. Or that Steve from Virginia that used to go to your college, but he dropped out mid-sophomore year because he set his dorm room on fire. It would be neat if the Steve from Virginia you knew was the guy who climbed the Trump Tower. That would have made your Facebook status more interesting.
[Photo: Getty Images]