Every day the sun rises, there’s another Internet article about millennials. Sometimes, it’s about how we are the worst little trash babies in all the land. Sometimes it’s about how obsessed we are with living with our parents, or how we love to listen to our precious music on our giant phones, or whatever else some older dude who contributed to destroying the housing market for our generation has to say. Millennials are fascinating and hated! And here we are, another day and another article. This one is from Bloomberg, and it’s about how we millennials are lowering the obesity level in America! But it’s a backhanded compliment, really, because we’re doing it while we are drinking ourselves to death like the drunk monsters we are. Apparently, the obesity level in our generation is fairly low, but our drinking remains at uncomfortably high levels, our eating habits are awful, and we’re generally the worst. In the middle of this article that I will hide at all costs from my mother, it’s stated that this trend may very well have to do with our young age, and WHOA BOY, let me tell you. I’m a millennial, but I’ve been one for a few years, and my body has already started to decay. I stare at some of these younger millennial babies, wearing their rave gear and emoting a gentle ray of innocence that died in me long ago, and I just want to whisper in their supple ears: you might be young now, and you may be drinking a lot and enjoying even more, but it will change. And it will change quick. Here’s a list of things that my body has already succumbed to because of age:
1. . Drinking Alcohol Destroys My Will To Survive
I used to be able to funnel Four Loko directly into my nose while drinking Smirnoff Ice out of my mouth, always ready for a couple of absinthe shots afterwards because I’m immortal! I treated my youthful body like it was a bar toilet, and now I’m paying for it. I’m only 27 years old, and while scientific advancements have allowed my life span to nearly triple, if I were in the Middle Ages I would be three years to death. And boy, do I feel it! I'll have a couple of glasses of Chardonnay at happy hour and have a headache for the next 48 hours. Alcohol poisons me like it always has, except now I have to suffer the consequences. Two shots of Fireball, a nod to my 24-year-old feelings of forever fancy and carefree, and I’ve got my head stuck in a toilet the next morning. I wake up on Sunday morning feeling like I’ve been ripped apart. And it makes me want to drink less, and wake up earlier! And that’s awful.
2. . My Skin Is Afraid Of Fun And The Sun
In my younger years, I used to sunbathe (with sunscreen, always sunscreen) on rooftops and have a drag off my friend’s cigarettes and live like my skin suit would always have the precious elasticity it was born with. Well, now I walk behind somebody with a cigarette and my snakeskin starts to peel off, shed, and get dry patches all over it. And 20 minutes in the sun-- if I’m not already dripping in sunscreen-- causes my face and body to look as rough as a leather couch. When I get a Sephora gift certificate, I spend most of it on skincare and it almost never does anything. Because my skin has become a monster that I have to keep feeding aloe and moisture and coconut, and I can still tell it will develop wrinkles soon! A lot of fun.
3. . Staying Up All Night Texting Bae Is Killing Me
Pulling all-nighters used to be second nature to me. Sometimes, I would start school papers at 4am because I wanted to go drinking that night, and I was a good student! Now, if I don’t have between 6-34 hours of sleep a night, I become a haggard zombie who barely recognizes humans or her own name. Forget coffee—I finally get why older people love to make that joke about strapping themselves to an IV of coffee to function. Coffee does nothing for me but make me have to go to the restroom. If it's not a shot of adrenaline to the heart, I just need sleep. No more staying up till 2am to marathon bad horror movies on television.
4. . I Take Drugs For Non-Recreational Purposes
Drugs used to be a fun thing I did on weekends. Now, I have to take my crap health insurance to the minute clinic to get some $46.00 prescription when I have some awful cough that I need to get rid of, because I have real responsibilities. I can’t just lay in bed with a hot toddy to get rid of sickness! I have to heal with modern medicine. And I don’t just take pills when I’m sick. I take vitamins every day. B12 and Biotin, and a bunch of other nonsense that I believe keeps my joints working so I don’t hobble over to the ole grave at 56. I want my heart to work normally, not take a bunch of fun street pills to get it to go faster! Sigh. You kids.
5. . I Eat One Wrong Thing And HELLO, BATHROOM
Sure, my metabolism is worse now. I could eat a few unhealthy meals and gain a few pounds, but that’s not the worst part of growing up at all. In fact, I like that I have a consequence that makes me focus more on not treating my body like it’s a carnival fairground, full of cotton candy and fried goods. And gaining weight isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a person. Feeling like an old man is. And I certainly feel like an old man when I eat too much dairy and sit on my couch, clutching my stomach like I just drank Draino. And that’s the worst part of it all--eating normal food you used to house as a youth, and realizing you act like a grandfather who eats a couple of bites of tomato sauce and says “it’s too acidic for me,” and then goes to the bathroom for 40 minutes. It’s happening to us. I can’t eat too much dairy. There. I said it.