5 Ways To Survive A Trump Presidency

I'd like to think we're not crazy enough to elect a lunatic, but just in case...

By Alida Nugent

After that raging forest fire of a debate last night, I’m not so sure Trump will get the majority of the votes in the upcoming presidential election. But you know what? I can’t say that for certain—we’ve heard this guy talk for years, and almost everything that comes out of his mouth is the equivalent to coughing up a racist hairball. Yet the polls show it's a close race. While I think Hillary will win because my brain has trouble processing the other option, I’ll indulge in my American Horror Story-like nightmares and think about what will happen if Trump becomes the next president. I want to be prepared. Here is what I think we can all do, as a nation, to get ready for this horrifying thought:

1. . Stock Up On Canned Goods

It’s not impossible we’ll go into nuclear war, considering Trump said last night in the debates that blowing up a boat for taunting our sailors wouldn’t start a war. If he thinks that wouldn’t start a war, we might actually be dust before the next decade. This guy goes from 0-100 in seconds. So get a few beans and peas on your next shopping trip and keep them somewhere safe, so when he starts frantically pushing a nuclear button because somebody made fun of his hands, at least you won’t die of hunger right away.

2. . Make A Copy Of Your Passport

Trump spent a good portion of yesterday’s debate talking about how other countries (and Obama) are the reason why America is losing its jobs. I don’t mind bringing more jobs into America, of course, but if anybody’s going to take this to the extreme, it’ll be Trump. Why leave America? It's GREAT again! To be safe, I’d make a copy of your passport (and your birth certificate) because I’m pretty sure Trump is going to stand at the airport and start burning those from people trying to get into CHIIIIIIIIIINNAAAA. They might be trying to make his ties there!

3. . Eat At Your Beloved Mexican Restaurant One More Time

As a Latina, one of my personal favorite Trumpisms is how deeply, truly awful he is towards Mexicans. I mean, sure, Trump loves taco bowls and all, but he also accused many Mexicans of being sex offenders and wants Mexico to pay for a giant wall around us in case a sick child gets in or something. So I can promise you this... say adios to any delicious Mexican or Latin food in a Trump regime, because we ain’t making it anymore. No way I’m gonna fry up a tostada or put some jalapeños on an open flame when the entire country screwed us over by electing this piece of gristle. We’re not cooking frijoles for the betrayers.

4. . Don't Keep Anything In Your Pockets

Trump loves stop and frisk. He kept talking about how stop and frisk worked, and how much he loves it, and showed no real understanding of the fact that it was deemed unconstitutional. So just keep stuff out of your pockets, and also maybe stay in your house for the next four years while we stop being a country and become a giant, horrifying police state.

5. . Keep A Cross On You At All Times

Listen, I’m not saying you need to be Christian if Trump is elected, but I do worry that if you’re Muslim, you will probably need to pretend to be Christian at some point during his reign. The guy is…..not a fan. And listen, I don’t know too much about vampire hunters, but I’m pretty sure that they weren’t of the Catholic or Christian faith. They just waved the cross around because it kept the bad people away from biting them in the neck. So continue living your life as usual, but keep a giant, gold-plated Trump cross in your car or your purse. Then, wave it at the lunatics who believe other religions are scary, say the power of Christ compels you, and hopefully it will keep all the Trump nuts away from you.

6. . Choose What Hunger Game District You Might Be In

Well. In Trump’s “defense,” I’m not sure he’ll make children fight to the death every year in an arena. That would be crazy. I think he would go with a less controversial choice, like millennial bloggers, or a more politically-minded choice, like people who write about him on the Internet. Or---who else does he hate? Mouthy women? Army Veterans who got “caught?” Syrians looking to escape wartime? The tax man? Who else does a person running for the president of the United States openly dislike and has said awful things about? Are we really here? Hell, at this point, I’ll volunteer as tribute if he wins. Sounds like the better alternative.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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