I know that fashion is cyclica,l because I know that my closet has a bunch of things that I used to make fun of my mom for wearing in old photos. But here I am, wearing round John Lennon sunglasses like an idiot. And suede! The least forgiving fabric of all time, on furniture or otherwise.
When I’m not looking like a little 70s baby, or at least like I’m about to live like it’s a sweaty Coachella afterparty for all eternity, I dress like I did when I was 12. Which was in 1998. But the 90s are also back, in both nostalgic listicles and our outfits. They live forever in chokers, brow lipstick, and sandals with chunky heels. I can’t escape it. And when I’m 45 with some teenager in my house that yells at me for things like what I make for dinner, that kid is going to wear some of the awful stuff I wore when I was younger. And me, in my high-waisted fashionable mom jeans, will laugh at them. However, no matter how cyclical the fashion world can be, there’s still some clothing I never want to come back. It should remain in the Devil’s closet forever. I list those below:
1. . Stupid Hats
Bowler hats. Fedoras. Trucker Hats. There’s nothing like a hat to make you look like a prime idiot. Can you believe that Ashton Kutcher, star of the movie STEVE JOBS and sometimes-guest judge on ABC’S Shark Tank used to be just a regular clown with a Von Dutch hat? The one that made him look like he was spending days on a farm somewhere, just mowing the lawn? I genuinely take him more seriously now. By a small margin, of course! Anyway: keep away from the dumb hats. Let us have our regular baseball caps and sunhats and beanies, and not add any more idiotic ones to the rotation.
2. . Flare Jeans
Listen, I’ve seen flare jeans making the beginnings of a comeback...I’ve seen some spring fashion lists that include them, and some stores that carry them in the front of the store and not the back in a garbage bin. I’m writing this so we can stop that from happening. If it does, take heed: I will burn every Gap store to the ground. Flare jeans are the absolute worst. They look awful, they get wet in every puddle or mush pile you come across, and if you are short like me, you have no hope of finding a pair you don’t have to hem. They are hideous and make you look like you are putting together a last minute Hippie Halloween Costume. Skinny jeans forever!
3. . Snakeskin Anything
I like snakes. I don’t want to wear them, or even imitation versions of them. Snakeskin outfits make people look like they can’t bend their arms. The material squeaks when they walk around. And wearing them can seem like someone is about to swallow a giant mouse that they have caught, and then you see the shape of the mouse bulging out of their stomach for hours. Be careful of people who wear snakeskin! Sometimes they hug you, but really decide to squeeze you to death.
4. . Halter Tops
I think this is a losing battle. I’m relatively sure these will also come back. I can see Forever21 salivating at the very thought of a line of halter tops, and I will soon see 17-year-olds that look like they skipped the awkward phase wearing them everywhere. But halter tops look like a slingshot for the breasts. There is no real bra you can wear with them, and you can’t wear cute necklaces with them. What is the point of them? Did you break your breasts and need to put them in a cast? I don’t get them, and I never will wear one again.
5. . Corduroy Pants
When I rewatched Freaks and Geeks on Netflix, I remembered how people used to wear denim or corduroy jackets with shearling collars. That was definitely a thing! I don’t know if I really care if those came back or not, or if they already did. But what I take real offense with is corduroy pants. I don’t believe you should wear any pant material that looks like it might go better on a couch. Not even a good couch, one of the ones you would see in your grandmother’s rec room. They offer no value to a wardrobe, and they feel weird when wet. 0/10 would not recommend.
6. . Hi-Lo Dresses
There was a brief moment in 2011 where these were popular. I must have had money back then, because when I recently cleaned out my closet, I got rid of around three or four of these stupid dresses—the ones with a short front and a longer back. They trail behind you and make you look like an evil queen, but one with no fashion sense. I hate these dresses. Please don’t sell them anymore, because I will probably buy more of them.