I’ve done a lot of dumb things in the name of dieting. I’ve counted calories, which means I had to do math while my body screamed for more nutrition and vitamins than whatever came in 300 cals worth of Pringles. I’ve tried eating raw till 4, which made me feel too energetic and healthy, and I refuse to fall into the trap of becoming the kind of person who wakes up early and lives a productive life. I’ve perfected portion size, drank the Master Cleanse like Beyoncé, and ate salmon and greens for dinner until I became a giant fish person. I know diets. But none are as stupid as going on a damn juice cleanse. You know the one: you drink 3-5 giant juice drinks a day, filled with kale and beets or whatever, for three days straight. That’s all ya get! I’ve done it once. I’ll never do it again. It was the stupidest trend of like, 2010, and now that Instagram is becoming the #1 place to show off all the colorful fruit and vegetables you pretend to eat, it’s back again. It needs to go back to hell, where it belongs. And I’m here to send it there. Here are my real reasons why you should never go on a juice cleanse:
1. . Losing Water Weight Isn't A Feat Worth Starving For
I can lose two pounds by taking a walk around the block and eating a fruit bowl for breakfast and a salad for dinner. I can gain two pounds by heading to any Tex Mex place in the immediate vicinity, until they kick me out for running into the kitchen and dipping my hands in the queso. We fluctuate pretty much every day. When I went on my juice cleanse, my body was practically vibrating at the idea that I would suffer for three days and come out looking like Gigi Hadid. I didn’t. I lost 3 lbs water weight. I gained it back in about two days, on account of how hungry I was. If you want to go on a juice cleanse because you want to lose weight, watch some RuPaul and learn to love yourself. Nothing is a quick solution.
2. . If You Want To Get Rid of Toxins, Trust Your Liver
Every hacky site promoting juice cleanses promise the idea of detoxification---a promise that at the end of three days, you will be as sparkly as a countertop in a Lysol commercial. This is garbage! The idea that drinking a couple gallons of spinach sludge for a few days will detoxify your body is about as crazy as a spider bite will make you radioactive and a superhero. It just doesn’t work that way. If your body is full of toxins, it means that your liver doesn’t work, and that also you are probably dying. The liver, one of the largest organs in your little meat sack body, is meant to convert toxins into harmless substances so you don’t die. It is detoxifying you already! If you take this literally, you are very wrong and need to go back to 7th grade health class. If you don’t, you probably just think drinking juice will erase years of taking Fireball Shots and eating ramen in your underwear. It won’t do that, either.
3. . It Tastes Disgusting
Who the heck wakes up and craves a sweet, delicious green juice? Answer: nobody. Not even the people who pretend to love them. Everybody would rather have pancakes or something. Listen, I love a good green juice or beet juice every once in a while. I know that drinking them occasionally, along with a healthy diet full of things that you chew, can make you feel better and naturally boost your energy. But they taste like dirt. Sometimes they taste like lemon-y dirt, or ginger-y dirt. But they taste like dirt. Kale juice doesn’t taste nearly as good as regular kale, massaged in lemon juice and sautéed in a bit of olive oil and garlic. Kale juice tastes like poisonous soil. And drinking nine of them for the bulk of the week will make you feel like a toothless old tree person, who can only get their dirt nutrients by drinking straight from the ground. Gross!
4. . It Makes You Poo
This is a big one. I hope everywhere you go has a bathroom. Because when you are on a juice cleanse, you and the porcelain throne are going to become better friends than you did that one time you drank all that Malibu by yourself. If you ever want to run around your city or town looking for a bathroom, remember: Target and Trader Joe’s usually have public restrooms? Or just take three days off from leaving the house?
5. . It Will Make You A Shell Of A Person
Eating healthy makes you feel pretty good. That’s a fact we hate to admit to ourselves, but it is true. So drinking fruits and vegetables only should make you feel amazing, right? No! It doesn’t. It makes you feel like a sluggish monster person. Your family, friends, and lovers will be afraid of you on account of how mean you are, but will be grateful that you can’t muster up the energy to swat at them. I drank too much citrus and broke out in an odd rash. I went to bed at 8pm. I sat on the couch, unable to really work out, or see the sun, or talk to people normally. By day 2, I would have eaten the couch if the cleanse allowed it. It is the worst 3 days of your life. I would rather pack and move an apartment than go on a juice cleanse again.
6. . You Already Know How To Eat Healthy, You're Just Looking For A Shortcut
You know how to do this right. You know for a fact if you cut down on alcohol, eat a variety of fruit and vegetables, stop eating processed foods, and start caring about what you put into your body, you will feel great. But you don’t do it. You go out on weekends and guzzle wine and sweets like you are a Greek Goddess. 3 days of fake-starvation won’t fix your problem. Balance will! It just takes a long time! You know what you’re doing wrong, and can change it. Just for the love of chewing, don’t do it with just juice.