I’m not gonna lie, guys, our sweet ‘16 came in like a lion and left like a gallstone. From global politics including Brexit and ISIS to local tragedies, police shootings and celebrity deaths-- I think we’re all ready for a change of pace in lucky 2017. Was 2016 really that bad? Who knows. It sure feels like it now, but then again, that could just be my confirmation bias rearing its ugly head once again.
Either way, here are seven ways 2016 could have been even worse! Read and enjoy. Here’s to living the dream in 2017!
1. . Trump Could Have Also Won The Popular Vote
Does it suck that we have a gross president who hates women, or at least thinks of us as sub-human? Is it a bummer that he's alraedy almost started wars in foreign countries by being an idiot who doesn't understand international protocol? Is this a scary time to be a religious or racial minority in the US? Absolutely. Still, I take solace in knowing that the overwhelming majority of Americans were with "Her". If we are stuck with a villain, at least we also know there’s a resistance… that received more than two million more votes than Trump did.
2. . Facebook Could Have Forced You Not To Quit Facebook
Fake news. Arguments about fake news. Mean posts. Stalker posts. Sucking up all your free time. Encouraging obsessive comparison. Accidentally posting a photo of your butt that your mom sees. Selling our information to advertisers. Collaborating with the NSA. Reducing humanity to algorithms. No longer being able to distinguish what is real from what is probable from what we’re being told from what that guy who went to high school with you thinks is real. Comments that are mean for the sake of being mean. Mens Rights Activists. Replacing interpersonal communication with screen time. Tailoring a news stream to reinforce pre-existing beliefs. Arguing about whether or not some of the assertions I just made about Facebook are true. Arguing about whether anything we read is true. Arguing whether or not truth exists. Sure, all of it sucks, but at least we still have the option to turn it off… even if our willpower says otherwise.
3. . The Cubs Could Have Lost
Man, I love those goddamned Cubbies, and I’m glad they finally got to put a ring on it. Plus, Cleveland won basketball this year, so everyone got a slice of the pie. Plus, my sister lives in Chicago, and it gave me a reason to call her, which is always nice.
4. . David Bowie’s Final Album Could Have Sucked
Can you even imagine? Everyone finally realized how huge David Bowie’s fan community really is—how many of us he touched and how deeply—but the reason he brings us all together is his death, so tough cookies, the thing you love is gone now, so enjoy living in the past. Blackstar helped all of us Bowie heads narrowly avoid a tragic gift of the magi. Is it his best work? I don’t know. Ask me in a decade, but for now, it at least feels like time travel, which makes me believe magic is real.
5. . Global Temperatures Could Have Gone Up 2.5*F
As it stands, they only rose 2.4*F. Not bad for the hottest year on record. Plus, according to NASA, five of the first six months of 2016 also set records for the smallest respective monthly Arctic sea ice extent since consistent satellite records began in 1979, so we are more than likely already past the point of no return. But, hey, it could be worse. We could be… farther past the point of no return…? At least Trump is appointing a climate change denier as head of the EPA. Wait… oh, god.
6. . RuPaul Could Have Been Award-Snubbed… Again
Yay to be gay that our little niche channel finally got some of the props it deserved. Mama Ru took home the Emmy for Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Program statuette, and all the little queer kids rejoiced. Now, not only can you dream of growing up to be a drag queen, you can dream of growing up to be a drag queen with a savings account and recognition from the mainstream media. Award shows are still more or less bought and sold by networks and publicists, but at least every once in a while even a corrupt system lands on something good. RuPaul said it best himeself when he said in his acceptance speech, “Earlier this year I was quoted saying I’d rather have an enema than an Emmy, but thanks to the Television Academy, I can have both!”
7. . We Could Have Continued To Miss Out On Cuba Libre On A Boat!
Guys! A US cruise ship went to Cuba for the first time in more than 50 years. That’s great! Cuba is incredible, and if you haven’t gotten the chance to visit, you absolutely should. Don’t ruin their economy with McDonalds and bullsh*t hotels, but go!