Everyone’s like a pencil, gurl: straight up to a point. Even I, lesbian comedian at large (slash medium) have been known to fantasize away from my tribe from time to time, but hey- it’s free to look. Actions speak louder than words, and I have no intention of acting on any of the words I am about to write, so let us shout it from a mountain top with no ramifications in the real world: these are 8 guys I would go straight for and why.
1. . Owen Wilson
Owen Wilson had me at BottleRocket, and “wowed” me ever since. He’s subtle and yet over the top, like bunting an over-the-fence grand slam. He’s co-written and starred in some of my favorite films (Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums) so it’s safe to say he has a nose for showbiz. I’d Gretel his Hansel any ol time… hypothetically speaking, that is.
2. . LeBron James
This guy’s so fierce, he needs TWO capital letters in his first name. Not only does LeBron James basket-ball so hard, he’s a fully incredible human being off the court, too. He’s great to his fans, composed on the court, gives back to his community, and he doesn’t look bad in that jersey, either. Sure, Curry can sink 3’s like a motherplucker, but Curry’s a (presumed) asshole, so I’m giving it up (hypothetically) for LBJ and his hometown pride. Say it with me, now: Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!
3. . Channing Tatum
On a scale of one to taking-yourself-too-seriously, Channing Tatum ranks refreshingly low. He is happily married and loves his wife; is that weird to list as a turn on? Whatever, I told you it’s all hypothetical, and by all accounts, he’s the life of the party without being a douche. Did I mention he can dance? #YesPlease
4. . Kermit the Frog
Kermit the Frog was my original boy crush, and I’m standing by it. Sure, I was five at the time, and the fact that I had a crush on a frog was possibly the first sign that I was going to grow up to join team “Sissy That Walk.” But according to my research (and I haven’t watched the ABC re-boot) never in herstory has there been a man more chivalrous, funny, kind, and stand-by-your-gal than good ol’ Kermie, making him the ultimate MILF in my books… that’s muppet I’d like to finger, for those of you who are slow on puppet puns.
5. . Keegan Michael Key
From one physical comedian to another, I’d love to put my bits together with Keegan Michael Key (the tall one, fyi). His critically acclaimed sketch show Key and Peele was ahead of its time, which is as much a testament to his talent as it is to how slow society is moving. Key and Peele is to binge watching, what a balanced meal is to binge eating. It’s both enjoyable and good for you. Plus, he’s Obama approved. Which brings me to my next point…
6. . Barack Obama
Barrack Hussein Obama is a gentleman and a saint who has done a bang up job of governing our country at a critical time. When he speaks, we can’t help but listen. His speech at The Correspondents Dinner was better than any comedy special I’ve ever seen, and he’s from a combination of a tropical island and the midwest. Talk about POTUS with the mostus.
7. . Elon Musk
Bitch, this dude is ‘bout to save the entire goddamn world, and he has an accent? Elon Musk is one TED talk away from putting a patent on the panty drop, and last time I checked, he already gave a TED talk. The target of bullying when he was younger, Musk has turned lemons into lemon-world aid making countless social and technological improvements to making this world a better place to be and doing his good-god-damndest to postpone the inevitable extinction of the human race. Talk about dad material.
8. . Benedict Cumberbatch
Ok, this one I can’t really explain, but the other night, I had this dream where he and I just had this… I don’t know… chemistry! Nothing happened, but it left a lasting impression. You don’t have to be a Sherlock to know that Benedict Cumberbatch is teeming with talent; The Immitation Game brought one home to my team, and his velvety voice was Shere (Khan) magic in The Jungle Book. I can hear it now: Mr. and Mrs. Cumberbatch. On second thought… maybe I’ll keep my name.