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A Gift Guide For Dudes That Doesn't Suck

Every gift guide for men I've ever seen is just whiskey stones and 6 types of duffel bags. This one is better.

If you’re looking to find a Valentine's Day gift for the special man in your life, I’m sure you’ve seen the lists. “Gift Guide For Men!” “What To Get For Him!” “Christmas Gifts For Your Honey!” All of them are awful. It’s like every person who made the list has only met one man, and it’s a rich lumberjack who plays video games and guitar before going to his hedge fund job. They only suggest two types of gifts---there’s basic necessities, like your boyfriend or husband is some dude who is so stupid, he can’t buy socks or sweaters or ties for himself. And there’s the niche gift, aka worthless crap that nobody would ever really need, marketed in some way to society's steretype of men - usually with the addition of wood. Wooden guitar pedals. A wooden keyboard or phone case. A cigar holder, made of wood, and in the shape of something to do with Star Wars. Awesome! Nobody wants this stuff!

Listen, I don’t know anything about your husband at all. But I do know that I’m tired of the same old gifts that are trying to be interesting, but are in fact boring, so here’s a list of slightly more practical but still fun gifts for some dude you’re sleeping with and therefore feel the need to get a present for:

1. .  Instead of A Duffel Bag:

Why do they always suggest a weekender bag AND a backpack AND a messenger bag on these dumb lists? Why does your boyfriend need so many damn bags? What is he stuffing in them? Chances are, you don’t need to be the person to get him a bag. He probably has some old North Face on in the back of his closet. But if you’re trying to say something like “I noticed you like traveling,” get him something that could be useful for traveling, like a Morphe Power Station that charges his phone when he goes on a long bus ride and is sitting next to somebody eating tuna and needs to live tweet it. Or a keyboard for his IPad if he doesn’t like traveling with a laptop. Or a garment bag with pockets, which is a bag that I never see recommended if you’re so dead set on getting a bag. And if you’re feeling really “let’s LOCK EM DOWN,” surprise him with a weekend getaway so you can finally see what’s in all those BAGS HE HAS!!

2. .  Instead of Whiskey Stones

Nobody uses the freakin’ whiskey stones. They stay in the freezer with the corn and hot dogs he bought last year and then completely forgets about them. Nobody needs whiskey stones when ice exists, also. So if you want to get him something that reminds him that he’s an alcoholic or really wants to be Don Draper, get him Moscow Mule Cups instead. They look really beautiful and usually, nobody buys them for themselves because they are expensive. Of if he likes tequila, get him these shot glasses made of Himalayan Pink Salt. Or just get him a few bottles of his favorite booze, because duh! Booze is expensive and not everything has to be some kind of creative gift.

3. .  Instead of Dollar Shave Club

If you’re going to bring the UPS guy into the mix, I’d guess that’s the start of a horrible gift. Unless you’re dating some King Rich Dude who has a doorman, maybe skip the monthly delivery of razors. My UPS guy comes at 7pm and rarely rings my bell. I don’t want to have to walk downstairs for the package. Why does he need a monthly delivery of razors, anyway? Whatever. Just get him a giant bag of razors instead, or the razors that this article claims are even better than dollar shave club, anyway. Or just look him in the eye and say “I don’t really care if you shave or have a big beard,” because men could use some body positivity in their lives too, am I right? 

4. .  Instead of A Tie Or Sweater

So I think we get ties for men because we think they don’t wash their other ties or sweaters, right? It’s just a fancy way of saying we think they are slobs? If you think your lover is a slob, get him something that he probably never washes: bed sheets. Get something soft and wrinkle-resistant. Heck, get him a couple of pairs! That way your face won’t break out every time you spend time at his apartment. Or get him a subscription to Fly Cleaners, and pay for his first couple of laundry and dry-cleaning, delivered right to his door (and I bet they walk up the stairs for you). Or just tell him instead of a new tie, he can wear whatever he wants to your parent’s Christmas party because they already hate him. Up to you!

5. .  Instead of A Grill Set Or Steak Knives

Cool. Your dude likes to cook. He loves Bobby Flay and keeps trying to get you to try his spaghetti carbonara or whatever. So what do you not do? Get him more knives. Men don’t really need any more weapons. They have enough. And if you live in the city, you probably don’t need a recommendation for some grill accessories, which he can never have without setting his old building on fire. So get him a flaming torch, which he can use to set things on fire inside rather than outside. Or get him this amazing cookbook, which uses science to explain why certain cooking methods work the best. Or get him a pizza stone, because it’s the only way to actually make good pizza.

6. .  Instead of the NES Classic

You’re not getting that present. It’s not happening this Christmas. Just apologize now and wait until you can buy it, probably in February. 

[Image: Pexels]

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