The weekend is almost upon us! With 48 hours of uninterrupted, unmonitored time, you’d think we’d spend it doing the things that make life truly worth living: eating large plates of food, wearing only sweatpants, sleeping at 2pm, and ignoring all phone calls and texts. Instead, we do the complete opposite. We make horrible plans to see people. We make plans to meet up at 10pm in crowded bars where the bathroom lines go farther than my credit card with its $3K limit. We make plans to go to trendy restaurants where plates of pasta are 18 bucks and they don’t even give you free bread. We make plans to go wait around for breakfast, or listen to a BAND, or do things that require us to “leave the house” or “wash our face.” I say no longer! Our friends aren’t our bosses! We are the bosses of our own weekends! We’ve also made plans to see a lot of people this weekend! Here’s how to get out of them, immediately, coming from someone who cancels plans often:
1. . I Have To Practice My Flash Mob Dance
Nobody wants to risk being caught in the middle of a flash mob. It’s an exquisite hell, filled with jazz hands and happiness and connotations of marriage proposals. In fact: most people don’t even want to talk about them or acknowledge their existence. So mention one and people will probably just zone out and be totally cool with your absence. Use this excuse with all your “too cool” friends who would rather eat steel wool than talk about a group of people dancing to a Bruno Mars song in the middle of Union Square like a bunch of Glee freaks.
2. . I Need To Catch Up On All These Facebook Posts About The Election
After reading a few misspelled posts from people I went to high school with, I’ve really changed my perspective on the election. I realize that maybe it’s not me, or the news, or the debates that will lead me to the person most deserving of my vote. It’s Randall, the conservative who posts memes about how Ted Cruz isn’t a man wearing the skin of a man he uses to hide his tentacles, but a viable presidential candidate! How could I not have seen it before?! I need to spend a few nights in, reading the opinions of people I haven’t talked to in years!
3. . I'm Not Drinking This Weekend
There are plenty of people who can have fun while sober. This isn’t about that. This is about your drunk friends who don’t want to deal with sober people. They want to drown in shots of cinnamon whiskey because they’ve been at their jobs for six years without a promotion. And they don’t want judgment for it. Even if you don’t drink, or have never drank, just call your friends and say “I’m not drinking this weekend” and people will go “oh, god, I’ve been trying to do that but it sounds terrible, maybe I’ll do it next weekend. See you!” Because when you do it, it’s not so awful, but when you say it, it sounds pretty awful.
4. . I Think My Lover Has Body-Switched With My Mom
We’ve all seen the beloved body-switching movie Freaky Friday. But it wouldn’t be so cute if your lover is acting suspiciously like your mother, and you’re worried they did some sort of chant that has now put the mind of your mom in the body of your lover, and vice versa! Tell your friends your beloved keeps telling you to do crazy things like clean the tops of your aluminum cans, and they keep calling but when you call back, it’s like they don’t have their phone on them, because it’s upstairs! And they keep referring to you by your brother’s name, followed by your dog’s name, and then your name! This needs to be figured out immediately!
5. . This Season Of The Office Will Combust If I Don't Watch It
Are you familiar with the movie Speed? In it, Dennis Hopper has strapped a bus with explosives, and if it travels under 50mph, it will blow up. Amazingly enough, Dennis Hopper has found a way to do a similar move on my Apple TV, and if I don’t watch the rest of the seasons of The Office with Steve Carrell, it will explode. I know! It’s just totally crazy! And super true! Sure, Jim can get a little grating (do your job, loser!) but…I don’t want to explode! Not before my tax refund!
6. . This Bag of Chips Won't Eat Itself
Tell your friend: Life is fleeting. And I have a bag of Zapp’s Salt and Vinegar Chips in my pantry, and a new pair of pajama pants from Target, and an "I’m wearing a face mask" selfie to upload to Instagram. Perhaps we should postpone this bar hop until I’m ready to go out into the world and face talking to strangers, which is probably something that will never happen.
Also I have a stomach flu, and my eyes are bleeding. Reschedule for next weekend?