As the weekend approaches, I want you to keep something important in mind: no matter how many eggs you eat at Sunday morning brunch, no matter how many times you nobly climb onto a spin bike, no matter how many misspelled texts you send on Saturday night…Monday will still come. Inevitably, you will wake up at the beginning of a new week, filled with the same feeling of dread you feel every weekday morn: that life is the Matrix, but you are not Neo (maybe a basic bro will read this! Isn’t a Matrix reference awesome?). That you are just a mere hamster on a wheel filled with tax refunds and happy hours and sweater sets. That you haven’t planned any vacation days this year, and barely have the money to go on vacation.
Fear not! There is a silver lining. Lie! Lying is, hands down, the easiest and most fun way to get out of everything. Say you are sick and get out of a work dinner! Call your mom and tell her you are too busy to come for Easter! Live a life full of tiny spider webs of lies, for you will never get caught until Judgment Day—your fallacies only to be revealed at the pearly gates. And nobody goes to hell because they’ve lied about seeing The Matrix.
Anyway, while you are still fresh and alive, you should lie all the time. And one of the greatest lies of all are those that get you out of plans, and the worst plans of all are definitely work. So I’m preparing you ahead of time. Call out of work on Monday. Take the day off to eat cereal in your pajamas and watch hours of Sex and The City episodes (many of which are on Oxygen Network! Cough!) However, you better not just come up with your run-of-the-mill “I’m sick.” Your boss will definitely see right through this. And no liar wants to be known as a liar, or become unemployed. Your coworkers already dislike you for the way you chew, don’t let them get you for this, too. Here are some handy excuses you can borrow for a suspicion-free, consequence-free day off:
1. . Something About Your Uterus
If you’re a woman or person with a uterus, use this to your advantage. Having a utuerus is common, but using it as an advantage is not. Spoiler alert: look at the wage gap. It is usually a disadvantage. But in this case—call your boss and just start saying a lot of nothing words strung together and also the word uterus. Example: Hi, Karen! I was just walking around and EXPLOSION! FIRE! Uterus. My uterus. Anyway, I can’t make it in, my uterus is sort of spinning around. It’s a full six hours away from normalcy. I tried to catch it but hem ho, it’s as high as a grasshopper’s knees. Lovely meeting it here, though! Anyway, uterus! Bye!
2. . You're Still Trying To Figure Out Tidal
Nobody in the world has subscribed to Tidal, so I’m assuming it’s a safe bet to assure your boss that it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride, with lots of twists and riddles and turns. No way you’re going to make it in before lunchtime. Oh, might as well make it a day off. I think you have to take the first letter of all of Kanye’s tweets and make some kind of ancient sentence with it from a language that, if spoken, would actually melt the phone.
3. . You Dropped A Bottle of Olive Oil On The Ground
I did this once before I was supposed to meet a friend. I did not meet the friend. If you’ve never dropped a full glass bottle of Colavita Olive Oil on the ground, let me tell you—it’s a messy one. Shards of glass go in unimaginable places. A thick, oily substance will envelope your kitchen like the Slime from Ghostbusters. It will take hours to clean this up. Recommendation: call your boss, screaming!
4. . You Got Woke
If you're non-white like me, tell this one to your white boss! Have a lot of fun with it!
5. . You Think You Just Saw Your Significant Other On A Documentary About Being Secretly Married To Furniture
I have to imagine this one is foolproof. Why would anyone question this? It would be insane to admit this and have it be a lie, which is why you have to remember something: one random day off is worth much more than having to live with this enormous life for the rest of your employment at a company. Fun bonus: throw chairs around every once in a while! Really sell this!
6. . There's A Small Problem In Your Apartment
The secret is to make it a problem that would take all day to fix. I would go with a mischievous ghost problem. It’s a little girl. She likes moving the fridge around and covering everyone in ghost bees. She’s a 90’s kid. She loves Discmans and Dunkaroos. She’s cool with an all-female Ghostbusters. It’s not like she’s mad at us, just disappointed. We gotta get rid of her, which will 100% take one day. I’ll let her haunt a local Bath&Body works, where she can happily smell candles all day.
7. . You Liked Somebody's Instagram Photo from 56 Weeks Ago
Unless your boss is a monster, this should get you off the hook.