I hate Christmas.
I hate Santa. I hate his reindeers. I hate the music, the decorations, the obligatory parties, the forced fun. I hate Christmas commercials, which are condescendingly saccharine and insult my intelligence. I hate Christmas cards, Christmas sweaters, Chistmas snacks. I can't think of a single thing about Christmas that I like.
Under the guise of merriment, Christmas invades the lives of all Americans — now starting even before Halloween — it is slowly expanding the reach of its joyful, snowy terrorism every year. Anyone who has worked retail knows that customers shopping between November and December are the nastiest group of humans on the planet and that this season is just another excuse to exploit workers, whose cheap seasonal labor ends up lining the pockets of their far-richer bosses.
I've had suburban moms snap their fingers in my face and tell me to hurry up while wrapping their gifts in overpriced shiny papers (of course they didn't tip, either). I've had to wade through drunk SantaCon frat-turds in midtown on my way to actual political protests. I've seen grown-ass families bicker over whose presents were more expensive like bratty toddlers in a pathetic battle for filial power. Christmas brings out the worst in us all. Christmas is not a season for kindness, and anyone who pretends it is is being conned.
And don't get me started on anti-Christmas. Goths and hipsters love throwing parties for Krampus, or showing movies like Die Hard instead of Miracle on 34th Street — as if these subversive takes on the season are any less craven than the actual Holiday itself.
I get it...Eyes Wide Shut is a Christmas movie too — now go back to your graphic design job. This just in: anti-art is still art and anti-Christmas is still Christmas. If you ironically celebrate a Holiday, you're still actually just celebrating the Holiday. The only real way to win is not to play and I don't want anything to do with this jolly garbage.
For years, the extreme right has claimed that politically left-wing anti-Christmas combatants were waging a war on their beloved holiday. Many say that this imagined conspiracy is a way for evangelicals and other assorted Christians to claim victimhood, thus undermining the reality that it is (religious and sexual and racial) minorities who are the ones really being oppressed. The War On Christmas is seen as a right-wing talking point to stir up even more discontent amongst Republicans and other right-leaning folk. And it works! See: our new President-elect, who uses similarly divisive rhetoric to perpetuate the idea that it is the pure-hearted Jesus-worshipping citizens who are really the ones being persecuted.
Now that the right is in power, though: what if various minorities banded together to create an actual war on Christmas? What if we resisted the crass capitalism of holiday joy and the morality of heterosexist and gender normative family-friendliness? What if we actively (but non-violently) antagonized Christmas carolers and mall Santas the way that GOPers antagonize gays and non whites? What if we were as hostile to Christmas as Christians are to anything not-Christian?
Let it be known: I am a soldier in the war on Christmas. And I am recruiting an army. And we will, someday, defeat the tyranny of cheer.
(But realistically, I'll probably just stay home and order Chinese food to my bed when Christmas actually rolls around. I am Jewish, after all.)
[Photo: Getty Images]