Rosie O'Donnell Was Brought Up In Tonight's Presidential Debate, What The Hell?


By Eric Shorey

You guys, what the hell did we all just watch? I don't have the appropriate metaphors to describe what our nation just witnessed! That debate was like the smell of a cockroach giving birth. That debate was like the sickness you feel three days after a flu shot. That debate was worse than the excrement produced by the unimaginable monsters of an H.P. Lovecraft novel. That debate was like [something really f*cking bad]. What do we even talk about?

Perhaps the most telling moment in tonight's debate (there were a lot of telling moments!) was the conclusion, where Donald Trump brought up his beef with Rosie O'Donnell to excuse and/or justify (literally undifferentiated in this case) his misogyny (and homophobia). Hillary called him out on deeming women pigs, slobs, and dogs.

"Somebody who has been very vicious to me: Rosie O'Donnell," said The Donald, as if defending himself. "I said very tough things to her. I think everybody would agree that she deserves it and nobody feels sorry for her."

There it was in one simple moment: the hyper-real zenith of American politics, which have taken on the character of reality television in almost every sense. No longer are issues the defining feature of our rhetoric: instead we engage in a battle of cruel optics and substance-less identity politics. Hey, at least it's entertaining.

But also contained in that moment: Trump's contradictory, deep shallowness — he's a Warholian candidate: surface surface surface; surface all the way down, as well as Trump's juvenile nastiness, which justifies sadism if the fight gets just ugly enough (which, of course, it always does). This is the logic of Bad Girls Club, not the leader of the free world. This is the logic of fellow nostril-breather Frank Booth, the fictional psychopath from Blue Velvet.

Notice how Trump even followed this shade by praising himself for holding back even nastier insults he could have made against Hillary Clinton. "I was going to say something extremely rough," he stated. "To Hillary. To her family. I said to myself: I can't do it. It's inappropriate. It's not nice." As if we're supposed to congratulate him for having the basic decency to not attack someone's appearance or personal and private matters. As if we're supposed to be proud of him for containing the basic internalized psychological structures that prevent mature adults from blurting out everything that runs through their continuous internal monologue.

And yes, sure, Hillary bungled some key moments. It was certainly a problem that when asked about race she espoused some scarily pro-cop rhetoric before eventually getting to criminal justice reform and systematic racism. Sure her hair was unmoving and inhuman and contained within it both the wisdom and trickery of owls. But she is a politician. She's not feuding with Rosie O'Donnell. She's not feuding with 50 Cent. She's not feuding with Kanye West or Nick Jonas or really anyone in the entertainment industry.  She's making policies. She has plans. She has ideas. They might not be ones you agree with, but they exist.

I don't know what else to say so I'll leave you with some stray thoughts:

Melania Trump should play Emma Frost in the next X-Men movie.

Who was refilling Donald's water tho?

There is a Cheeburger Cheeburger with a computerized menu in JFK airport and that is just not a third world thing to have. But ain't no one gunna fact check that.

Trump's hairdo has long been the focus of this election but I'm not over Hillary's weave. Like, I'm pretty sure it was made of fiber glass.

Lester Holt is a sweet cinnamon bun, too pure and innocent for this election.

We're all doomed.

[Photo: Screenshot via YouTube]

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