Guys, most internet lists are bullsh*t, so here’s mine! The following is my list of my personal favorite “evil” women in cinema. It may not be definitive, but if you ask me, it is accurate, comprehensive, and pretty much dead on. Listed in no particular order, I give you: THE MOST AMAZNG EVIL WOMEN IN CINEMA ACCORDING TO UNKNOWN COMEDIAN SCOUT DURWOOD! (P.S. Regina George isn't actually on the list. But now that I have your attention...)
1. . Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates) in Misery
Annie Wilkens does more to ruin poor unsuspecting Paul Sheldon’s (James Caan) life mano a mano than most zombie apocalypses do in 13 episodes of The Walking Dead. Psychological thriller at its best. Thank you, Stephen King, may I have another. Kathy, you are the best.
2. . Ava (Alicia Vikander) in Ex Machina
Spoiler alert. She’s evil. When the singularity happens, it’s every robot for itself.
3. . The Boat in Titanic
Ships are women, right? Leave it to a woman to get all kinds of bloated and kill hundreds of innocent men, women and children as a result. Then again, maybe if someone would have pulled over and asked for directions, that iceberg wouldn’t have caught us off guard in the first place.
4. . Most of the Women (Winona Ryder, Shannen Doherty, Kim Walker) in Heathers
High school is crazy--am I right, ladies? It doesn’t get any cattier than this. Sure, when I saw this movie, there were a couple of Regina Georges at my school I thought about murdering, but in the end, I reconsidered and decided that homicide was no substitute for prom-icide. Which leads me to my next point…
5. . Chris Hargensen (Nancy Allen) in Carrie
What a b*tch. My parents told me all kinds of weird things about puberty, and no one made fun of me for not knowing what a tampon was. Girl on girl crime is petty and dumb. Dear high school bullies and conservative parents alike: joke’s on you! If you chant “they’re all gunna laugh at you” enough at an impressionable young woman, she’ll grow up to be a comedian, and then, my friend, the joke (slash pig’s blood) will be on you.
6. . Cartoon Maleficent (Eleanor Audley) in Sleeping Beauty
Angelina can step aside with that charming backstory that explains it all. Original cartoon Maleficent was scary as f*ck, and I have the childhood nightmares to prove it. She talked to mirrors, spoke in a bone chilling bass, and ruined Aurora’s sweet sixteen without even trying. Remember when she turns into a dragon? Nightmares for life.
7. . Audrey 2 (Levi Stubbs) in Little Shop of Horrors
I don’t know if she actually counts as a woman, or if it’s like how sometimes men are named “Ashley,” but I saw this on another list, and I had to admit, they have a point. Depending on which ending you watch (check out the original ending if you haven’t!!) this plant is hands down the most malicious plant that ever was. Which is saying a lot for an otherwise inanimate object.
8. . Nancy Downs (Fairuza Balk) in The Craft
I loved her. I hated her. I wanted to be her. Sure, she’s no good in the end, but those summers at an all girls camp wouldn’t have been the same if we hadn’t known how to enter a circle “with perfect love and perfect trust.” The New Age section at Barnes and Noble didn’t see the Wicca trend coming, but this lady was at the forefront of the nineties explosion of “good witches unite!”
9. . Miss Hannigan (Carol Burnett) in Annie
Continuing my theme of no-remakes-allowed, I’m talking about the original Miss Hannigan here, not the pretty blonde one who landed the role in the remake (no offense, Cameron Diaz. I am a huge fan of plenty of your other work.) Carol Burnett kicked ass in this classic American musical about how annoying children are when you let them open their mouths. Drink, drink and be merry, Miss Hannigan. I would shine you like the top of The Chrysler Building if I could.
10. . Veruca Salt (Julie Dawn Cole) in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Who doesn’t have their “don’t care how, I want it now?” moments. She’s the Devil Wears Prada of tweenage terrors. I like a woman who knows what she wants and won't stop complaining until she gets it.
11. . The White Women in The Help
Seriously, you guys couldn’t have tried a little bit harder to be less racist? Eat sh*t. Oh, wait… Also, white actors outnumber black actors in this movie two to one and the first billed actress is Emma Stone. This movie was #OscarsSoWhite before it was even a hashtag.
12. . Darla (Parker Posey) in Dazed and Confused
Air raid, freshmen. *mic drop*