The Douchiest Things Douchebag Guys Text

The wrong text can turn Prince Charming into Shrek before the next chat bubble. #VeryReal

By Sowmya Krishnamurthy

Douchebags say and text the darndest things. There are some messages that guys send that just make our skin crawl. The wrong text can turn Prince Charming into Shrek before the next chat bubble. Whether they forget your name or go straight ghost, these are 11 of the douchiest things a guy you’re dating can say. Let’s use texts from a guy we’ll call "Chris" (or you can think of him as Bradley Cooper's character in Wedding Crashers). His texts are in grey, mine in green.


1. Phoning It In

Wsup. Hey ma. Hey girl. Sup? All the same essential lazy message. I get it Chris. You’re too busy making platinum hits and running the world to craft a real message to me. 

2. Camera Shy

Here’s a message every woman has received. “Send me pics,” “Send me nudes” or some version of this. Sorry, Chris. At least butter me up (or buy me dinner!) before you ask for noodz. 

3. Flake 'n Bake

Flakey behavior is probably my biggest dating pet peeve. Here, we see Chris and I have plans but he never follows up with details. I’m left hanging and basically responding to my own messages.

4. You Don’t Know My Name

This may be the worst message to ever receive from a cutie you’re trying to get at. Ouch. He doesn’t even have my number in his phone.

5. Smiley Face

Emoji can be cute in texts. Who doesn’t want to get the kissy smiley face or the heart? Douches use emoji because they can’t (or don’t want to) express their true emotions. Unless you’re in high school, grow up and learn to speak to a woman. I am not fluent in emoji. What does this mean? Let’s get cheeseburgers?

6. Friend Zone

Under no circumstances in life should your man ask about your friend. She’s off limits. I don’t care who she is. Period. End of story.

7. You Drive Me Crazy

Men think women are crazy. Know what drives us crazy? Calling us crazy.

8. My Name is Not Susan

I have a weird, exotic name. I get it. But any guy who misspells it or completely calls me the wrong name is gonna have hell to pay. Extra demerits for forgetting my birthday. Been Facebook, Instagram and me reminding hinting to you 194,890 times, you should’ve remembered.

9. You Got Jokes

“Lol.” The acronym for “laugh out loud” is one of the douchiest things someone can say to you, especially when you’re trying to have a serious relationship conversation. A lot of men who can’t express their feelings use this as their go-to “get out of the honest conversation” card.

10. Tweet Cheat

I get it. Sometimes you’re away from your phone—or maybe your arm was eaten off by a shark—and you can’t answer me in a timely manner. But what happens, when you text your bae and get no response, only to find his douchebag self tweeting and “liking” pics on Instagram? Clearly, the shark bit off your head because you’ve done lost your mind.

11. Going Ghost

What’s worse than a douche saying douche-y things? Going ghost and ignoring you. A nonresponsive guy can make even the most sane girl go from 0 to 100 real quick. 


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