The Only Makeup Tips You'll Ever Need

If one more dude says, as a guy..I like natural women, or I don’t trust women who wear makeup, I’m going to start eating hearts. 

By Alida Nugent

I’ve been wearing makeup for a long time now. So far, I’ve been enjoying it. Makeup serves a lot of purposes: sometimes, you stayed up too late watching episodes of The Office and screaming things like “Jim! Do your job!” and then you have dark circles in the morning you need to cover. There’s a concealer for that! Sometimes, you want to go to a bar and would rather eat shards of glass than talk to dudes, so you make up your face to look like Fairuza Balk from The Craft. There’s a black lipstick for that! Makeup allows you to present yourself the way you want to the world---whether that presentation includes sharp cat eye wings, dewy skin, or makeup smeared around your mouth like you just feasted on a soul is totally up to you!

The application of makeup, however, can be a confusing thing to get a handle on if you haven’t been smearing crap all over your face since middle school like I have. There are so many tips and tricks and experts and Kardashians that sometimes, it seems best to just roll up like pillbug and give up. This is my face! I can’t change it!  But you can! Here are the best tips I have for makeup, as a person who often gets compliments on how different I look with it on, and by different I mean better:

1. . Know Your Lighting

Goodness gracious. The amount of times I’ve done my makeup in a poorly lit room and felt like Jennifer Lopez, only to enter another room with brighter lights, where I realize I in no way look like Jenny From The Block. Trick! I actually look like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest! No wire hangers! Try to do your makeup in harsh, disgusting lighting, which you can find in any bathroom in America. If you can make yourself look pretty good in that lighting, then you can look good everywhere! Although: sometimes, I do my makeup in bad lighting because I’m going to a bar anyway and just want to have high self-esteem for the night. That’s another tip for you.

2. . No Flash Photography If You're Wearing SPF

So you go to a friend’s birthday party and take a million pictures and the next day, you see them on Facebook. You begin to scream! Are you a ghost person?! Are you Scarface?! You look like you are covered in white powder! It’s because you used HD Loose Powder, or your foundation has sunscreen in it. For big events where you know there will be a lot of photos, stay away from those two products. Your photos will thank you.

3. . Blend It Out

Contouring has taken over our lives! Turns out, the idea of applying brown powder to the shadowy parts of our face has turned us all into makeup-obsessed lunatics. I like to contour. I find a cool-toned powder (think an almost grayish brown) and apply it to my cheekbones (while making a beautiful fishy face, of course) and my jawline. Here’s the secret to mastering contour: BLEND. Or else it looks like mud! The same goes for blush, and eyeshadow, and highlighter. Unless you enjoy the look of streak face, buy a fluffy brush and blend all your stuff in. Blend until you can blend no more. It is the secret to better looking application! 

4. . Match Your Foundation To Your Neck

Um, matching foundations is kind of a nightmare. Every foundation has a variety of options, many of which sound the same: golden sand, sandy beach, golden sunset, ivory towers, locally-sourced cruel ivory, and sandy ivory, just to name a few. How do you begin to match your skin? A quick lesson: do you prefer to wear silver jewelry? You’re probably cool-toned, or with pink undertones. Do you like gold? You’re most likely warm-toned, with yellow undertones. If you look good in both, you’re probably neutral. Most foundations are categorized into light, medium, and dark with varying degrees of neutral, warm, or cool undertones. It’s a good start when you’re colormatching. But where to colormatch? Hint: not your face, your jaw or neck. Why? Because you don’t want to have a different colored neck than your face, and the jawline is the happy medium of the two.

5. . Classic Red Lips Make Everyone Look Good

That classic blue-toned red lipstick looks good for a reason: it doesn’t clash with pretty much ever skin tone, and it makes your teeth look whiter. And yes, you can wear red lipstick if you’re a redhead. It looks good!

6. . Do What Makes You Feel Good

I’m so tired of people telling me that I look better in natural makeup. I’m sure I do….to you. I don’t want to look natural. I want to look very unnatural. So I wear purple lipstick and burgundy eyeliner and mauve blush. I don’t care. I like doing what I like to do, and so should you. If one more dude says, as a guy..I like natural women, or I don’t trust women who wear makeup, I’m going to start eating hearts. I can’t take it. Nobody thinks I actually have gold eyelids. It is a crazy thing to suggest. I don’t want men who don’t wear makeup to give me tips on my makeup. I just want to do what I like, and so should you! Also: anyone can wear makeup. Babies. Men with beards. Drag Queens. You. And you don’t have to want to wear it, at all.

But it’ll look good on ya!

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