If you’re anything like me, you’ve got your gross little paws on a few coins of money, but you’d also like significantly more of it. Money is appealing in a lot ways—it’s the root of all evil, you can hand it over for things like lipstick or queso dip, and it gives you the kind of power that allows you to do things like “order a ten lb can of liquid cheese sauce on Amazon” or “run for president.” But how do you get more of it? This is the kind of question I’ve been asking myself for years, to varying degrees of success. In this time, I've gathered a few tips that might help you get some more dollars. Remember: You don’t want the Fat Cats up in Wall Street to win, although any other fat cats are cute, and ultimately should win everything:
1. . Start Making Your Own Cocktails At Home
Stop going to bars, where the tables are all sticky and you can only get a small cup of watered-down gin and tonic filled with little glass shards of ice. Stay at home instead. Make full glasses of whatever flat soda you have in your fridge, use one ice cube because you forgot to make ice, and add a whole fist’s worth of vodka you have in your freezer. It’s way more fun this way: you won’t forget your debit card, the bartender loves you (because you should love yourself), and you can marathon bad television instead of talking to awful people. If you want to create the ambience of a bar, just smear jelly all over your living room floor and let it dry, or pour water on the floor of your bathroom.
SAVED: A $45 dollar tab and a headache from telling dudes your boyfriend is The Rock, so no, you don’t want their number.
2. . Stop Going To Brunch
Brunch is the stupidest meal of all time. Have you ever had a sober brunch? It’s like going into a club when you’re as anxious as me---it’s loud in an awful way, you hate everyone because they smell like whiskey sweats, and if there are poached eggs there, they’ll probably be bad. Save yourself the heavy cross of drinking unlimited alcoholic tomato juices while talking about your friend’s WEDDING, and make a piece of toast at home instead. Or! Better yet! Wake up at your leisure, without a million texts from your friends asking things like “where are you?” and “do you want to take three subways to get to a mediocre brunch place by my house?” and walk to the nearest bagel store and treat yourself to an iced coffee and an egg and cheese.
SAVED: A conversation about being a bridesmaid, 35.00 for 3 hours and a split pancake
3. . Instead of Vacation, Go On A STAYCATION
Let’s be frank, here. Staycation is one of the dumbest words of all time. But going on vacation is expensive and if you’re not rolling in cash like Scrooge McDuck, it might not be the best for someone trying to budget. So create a vacation at home! Buy a new sun hat, put some slightly moldy sheets on your bed, turn the AC up high and pretend you’re in a hotel. Then argue with your significant other or friend about what museums you have time for, immerse yourself amongst tourists while trying to look cooler than them, wander aimlessly but refuse to go home, and eat at the same McDonald’s for most of your breakfast meals. Put up 145 blurry photos on your Facebook, buy a few shot glasses and distribute them to those you love, and take an Uber to places you read about on Yelp.
SAVED: 1k for a bad Airbnb with probably A DEAD PERSON in it and a flight with no leg room
4. . Use A Friend's Netflix Password
Oh, please. Get off your high horse and stop pretending like you are some mature adult who purchases their own streaming services. We all have that one friend who works in maybe PR or advertising and also gets most of their money from their parents. They buy things that prove they have endless amounts of disposable income, like coconut water, fresh flowers, and tiny leather belts that don’t even hold their pants up. Tell them you need their Netflix password desperately because you need to continue binging all the awful movies that are on there. To sell this, hold out a bowl like Oliver Twist.
SAVED: What is it, ten bucks a month at this point? I literally have no idea.
5. . Stop Buying So Much Stuff, You Moron
Maybe the reason we don’t have any money is because we keep spending it on useless stuff we don’t need in the first place. Stuff like hand lotion that’s slightly different from the hand lotion you already have, and shirts with black stripes that are slightly larger than the black striped shirt you already have. Or store-bought hummus even though you have chickpeas and lemons and a working food processor. Or any of the dumb stuff we fill our worthless lives with. Maybe save some money instead of purchasing items that only give you a fleeting second of joy!
SAVED: Yourself! From capitalism or whatever.