Once upon a time, comedienne Calise Hawkins had an unplanned pregnancy. What happened next completely changed her life: motherhood. Turns out, it is fraught with fear, anxiety, improvisation, and full-blown Eureka moments. Here are 5 lessons the funny lady has learned from being a mom!
1. Turns out, I am gross.
I have always been grossed out about intimacy, but something changed recently. One day I was feeding my daughter and she drooled some of her veggie orange pumpkin s*** onto her chin. I wiped it off and ate it! Without even thinking about it! I realized in that moment I was somebody’s mom.
Babies are gross, but you get desensitized because you care so much about them. In that moment, I was just thrilled she was eating. Also, I’m so close to her it’s almost like I’m wiping my own mouth.
2. I fear death every waking moment.
I’m a single mom. Well, I think all moms are single moms because they do more, so maybe everyone can relate to this. Recently I wanted to take a shower, but I was terrified that I was going to slip and die. So, I called my mom and asked her to call me in ten minutes to make sure I got out of the shower alive. Basically, I live in fear that something terrible will happen to me, and that the baby will be all alone.
3. Your kid doesn’t love you.
Your kids don’t love you. Not in the way that you love them. Recently, I asked my daughter, “What do you like about me?” she answered, “because you get me toys.” She didn’t understand the question at all, because she didn’t see me as independent from her. She asked me, “What do you like about me mommy?” I said, “You’re funny, you’re creative, you’re smart and sweet.” She got angry at me and said, “But what about all the stuff I do for you? I take off your shoes sometimes, and I let you watch The Voice when I want to watch cartoons!”
I want to know what’s good about me, and she wants to know what’s good about us. Isn’t that beautiful?
It’s not a kid’s job to love you like an adult, or to make you feel less alone in the world. It’s your job to make the kid comfortable with everyone else. Motherhood is a truly selfless act.
4. Other people can and should love your kid, too.
My daughter recently called the babysitter “second mom.” I said, “Am I first mom?” she was like “Uhh….” and I said “You shouldn’t have to think about it!”
In seriousness though, I wasn’t jealous. It takes a lot of people to raise this kid. It’s not a rivalry. I love it when the babysitter shows her love. Her aunt gives her that feeling, too. I just want her to experience love however she can get it. I want her to feel love not only from me, but from as many people as possible. I’m happy if she’s happy.
5. I have to adapt to my kid’s pace, not the other way around.
Recently we were in the park, and my daughter started crying because another kid took her toy. Other parents started telling me, “you have to teach your daughter to share.” I don’t think I have to make her share until she understands sharing. That toy is all she has. Do I ask you to share your house and car keys? Let’s say I don’t deal with other parents well.
In a similar situation, I slept with my daughter in the bed until she was comfortable sleeping on her own, period. I knew when to push her, but I also understood where she was coming from. Other parents say to ‘let them cry it out’ and go cold turkey. But, in the beginning of time, if the baby wasn’t with you and they were in danger of a predator, they’d cry to get closer to you. In their DNA, a baby doesn’t know she’s safe until later. Crying and manipulating is the only power she has – it’s not something to discourage all the time.
That said, my daughter is one of the most independent kids I’ve ever met.