5 Ways To Make The Grammys Actually Watchable
Can the Grammys be brought back from the brink of total boredom?
It's no secret that the Grammy Awards (and the Academy Awards, and the Tony Awards, and pretty much every televised award ceremony ever) are self congratulatory and out of touch garbage, run by a grumpy cabal of (mostly) old, straight, white dudes. While anger over the lack of diversity in the entertainment industry is justified, it would probably be a better idea to scrap the whole thing and start over from scratch.
Unfortunately, that isn't what's going to happen. So we've come up with 5 ways to make the Grammy Awards, airing on February 15th, more watchable.
1. Rescind All Of Macklemore's Awards
The blatant racism of the music industry was prominently on display when Macklemore racked up more rap game wins than prominent hip-hop legends. According to Takepart.com, "[Macklemore] has been awarded more Grammys than rap pioneers Tupac, Biggie Smalls, Nas, DMX, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes, Mos Def, Run-DMC, Public Enemy, Ja Rule, and Kendrick Lamar combined."
With his self-aggrandizing activism, will Macklemore's supposedly "woke" track "White Privilege II" garner him even more praise? Probably!
But hey, here's an idea. What if instead of giving him awards, the Grammys take back the ones they mistakenly doled out? Not only would this be a moment of cultural catharsis, but it would also make for great TV.
2. Hire Some Drag Queens
Only slightly less out-of-touch than the Grammys are the VMAs, but at least Miley Cyrus had the wherewithal to hire some drag queens to liven up an otherwise totally expected evening.
The Grammys are just as ham-fisted on LGBT issues as they are on issues of race. A cheesy plea to homo-normativity in the form of mass gay weddings doesn't do much when hardly any queer artists are ever recognized unless they're bland and white (*cough cough Sam Smith cough cough*). If the Grammys can't recognize gay artists, at least get some Glamazons on stage to present the awards.
Besides: what event couldn't be made better with drag queens?
3. Look to the Underground
While the line between mainstream and underground music becomes blurrier every day, it's no secret that the most exciting, interesting, and artistically daring artists aren't getting played on the radio or awarded by various academies. If the Grammys want to be taken seriously again, it's time they look elsewhere for inspiration and finally add some avant-gardism to their mix. (No, Lady Gaga's faux-experimentalism isn't good enough anymore.)
4. Get A Better Host
No T No Shade, LL Cool J is a pretty awesome guy. But dude isn't exactly known for being eye-catchingly bombastic. Here's some ideas off the top of my head for some completely unexpected hosts that would be way better, or (at the very least) totally unpredictable: Elvira, Martin Shkreli, John Waters, El Chapo, Alyssa Edwards, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Bernie Sanders, David Lynch, Grace Jones, Marina Abramovic, Kim Kardashian, Kenneth Anger, Peaches, Pat Robertson, Ruby Rose, Amber Rose, Tanisha Thomas.
Come on people, get on the phone and make this happen.
5. Nuke It Into Oblivion
Despite my truly amazing suggestions, in actuality it seems like nothing can really save the Grammys from tedium and mediocrity. It would be better if it were simply erased from this planet by the force of atomic weaponry. The US government has a bunch of these bombs lying around, right? Might as well put them to good use.