It’s Friday, which means most people are either scrambling to get out of all their plans or trying nobly to make them. As we all bask in the relaxing bliss of 48-hour weekends before we go hurtling back to the droll, never-ending minutes of regular life, we harbor a fondness for all the activities ahead: bars with friends, first dates, hookups, walking around in the sunlight while drinking iced coffee, and brunch. For me, brunch peeked it’s eggy head up sometime around my early 20’s, latched onto my neck, and infected me with some brain virus that makes it seem appealing. It’s not appealing. It’s a fake meal that used to be relegated to Easter Sunday but has shoved its way into all our lives on the regular. Every weekend, I make a plan with a friend to get up earlier than I normally would and eat a hideous hybrid of breakfast and lunch. I don’t even know why! Sometimes, you look in the mirror and you are an unrecognizable shell of yourself. But now, I make use of this shell woman I am, and list helpful tips that will make all your brunches go as lovely as they deserve to be:
1. . Order Your Eggs Poached
Whenever I place my order for huevos rancheros, the beloved Mexican dish that appears on every brunch menu I’ve ever seen, taking the authenticity of the dish and all but flushing it down the toilet, the waiter will often ask: how do you like your eggs? I’ve always wanted to say “good,” or “remember that plot point in Runaway Bride where she has to figure out what kind of eggs she likes because she just eats whatever her fiancé’s give her? I watch a lot of romantic comedies.” But what I end up saying? Poached. Poached is the only kind of egg that you can’t really make at home. I tried it once. It came out like somebody had cooked an egg in the sunlight in the cup of their hand. Poached eggs are super hard to make, and if you’re going to pay $14 for pieces of toast and salad and bacon, which you can buy at the store for far less, then try to eat something you can’t just make.
2. . Keep The Night Before Talk To A Minimum
Let me get this out of the way for you: Oh man! Last night was crazy! I [was so drunk, ate a whole tub of cheese balls, watched Fuller House because I’m a sucker for poorly-written nostalgia]. I can't believe Lauren [fell into the toilet, texted her ex, threw up on her Uber Driver]. Doesn’t drinking feel [cyclical, awful, fun for a fleeting moment]? Great. Now let’s move on to something more interesting, like supporting Planned Parenthood or rating the Real Housewives in terms of breakdowns. There are way more interesting conversations to have than recapping an awful party the night before.
3. . Don't Do This Sober
Try to find a place that does 2-hour endless drinks. That’s why we’re all here, anyway, to give the allusion that our lives are some kind of Gossip Girl-y whirl, and we're just a bunch of beautiful high-schoolers that are secretly 26 and can get into the kind of exclusive restaurants that have their menus on the back of bamboo boards. Instead, we’re in a crowded restaurant that has glass ketchup bottles so caked with old ketchup, they look like they are bleeding. And we're ordering pulpy mimosas and alcoholic tomato juice like we’re on a plane, because we don’t want to think about the electric bill, and work, and how we don’t really like everyone in our group of friends. Oh, well. Life isn't perfect.
4. . Please Don't Wait Two Hours To Get A Table
I'm not one of those people who will make a big deal about people waiting on line for things. People get really upset about the idea of people waiting for fancy new restaurant openings, or croissants that are in the shape of a donut, or Rockefeller Trees, but I don’t really care. Is it because life is one big line, and the end is death? Obviously! But if you’re going to wait on line for something, please don’t have it be brunch. Brunch is the same absolutely everywhere. It is all the same chocolate chip pancakes and crispy french fries and baked eggs no matter where you go, so you might as well go somewhere that you don’t have to stand outside for. Outside is the worst.
5. . Try Not To Think Too Much About How Dumb It Is
Listen, when you really think about it, brunch is just a weird fake meal we invented to use up all the food in restaurants that is rotting. And we eat all this almost rotting food and pay too much for it…just so we can have time with our friends. Doesn’t that sound nice? Because without friends, we wouldn’t have plans, and without plans, we could probably just sit on the couch all weekend and really relax. But…brunch..is good? Getting up to drink water coffee is…fine? Oh man. I think I messed this sentiment up.