The Girl Scouts are a great organization for the young women of America. They’re inclusive, teach leadership skills, and remind girls all over the country that they can have unlimited power by holding very good cookies over people’s heads. Girl Scout Cookies are, quite possibly, the best cookies on the face of the Earth. I would barely lift a finger for a Klondike bar, but I would do nasty, evil things for an unlimited supply of Samosas—those coconut caramel dream pillows will make me go full The Witch if necessary. But! I don’t know how to get my hands on them. I work from home. I don’t know any women under the age of 22. And I never carry five dollars worth of cash. If you’re like me, you might be wondering how to get your hands on them, too. I list the solutions below, and they’re all free!
1. . Steal Them From Leonardo DiCaprio
Leo DiCaprio bought some Girl Scout cookies at the Oscars. Then he won. There’s no way he is keeping track of those cookies. He’s probably on a yacht right now, doing some awesome stuff—committing murder on international waters, making out with giant brown bears dressed up in Victoria’s Secret lingerie, and fixing Kate Winslet piña coladas from carved out pineapples. Those cookies are as good as abandoned. Find out where they are, and take them! There is no way he would notice. Although take heed: if he does notice, and he takes offense, we all know how far and wide he will travel for revenge.
2. . Work In An Office
In every office I’ve worked, there’s been a surplus of a few things: paper clips that people keep buying even though nobody uses paper clips anymore, passive-aggressive power struggles, bathroom breaks, and snacks! Snacks are the lifeblood of any office. There are always snacks. They keep you just happy enough with the 9-to-5 so that you won’t walk out of your cubicle and into the unknown, promising never to say the buzzwords like “circle back” or "synergy" again. So around the Girl Scout cookie season, there’s somebody who is bound to have a few cookies they’ve brought in as a treat. Keep your eye on the possible bounty. Casually ask Sharon from Accounting how old her daughter is, or let Bill know that cookies are your favorite food, the only food that would perhaps lead to a successful delivery of all that work he expects from you. Then, park yourself by the break room door and wait.
3. . Go Shopping With Your Grandmother
Grandmothers buy cookies. That’s just the long and short of it. My grandmother used to shower me with so many cookies and crackers, it was like I was some tiny Cookie Goddess that she was making an offering to. If your grandmother hasn’t hoarded any cookies from last year (do Girl Scout cookies get old?) in the backs of her cabinets, along with a few caramel nips and shortbread cookies, then suggest you take a quick jaunt to the grocery store, where, lo and behold! There’s a bunch of Girl Scouts outside! Why, wouldn’t it be amazing if we could have a few Tagalongs?!
4. . Stare At Someone, Licking Your Lips
This is the number one tip for getting food you want. All you have to do is make little moaning noises and lick your lips and wag your tail. Or maybe that is just my dog! I’m not sure, but whenever that little sucker puts his cute little Chihuahua face near mine, I am completely at his will and service. I would give him mostly anything he wanted, except for specific Girl Scout cookies that would just kill him. It is weird dogs can’t have chocolate, and that it kills them. I think they would really enjoy the taste.
5. . Join The Girl Scouts
Okay, so if you want truly free Girl Scout cookies, you have to become part of the organization that makes them. Infiltrate the hive, if you know what I mean. I was a Girl Scout for a while, and I remember it almost fondly. There was a lot of burnt popcorn, and I liked wearing the little vest and hanging out with my peers. There was also an abundance of cookies, so it was not a bad way to spend my time. The Girl Scouts teach young women leadership skills, a little bit of entrepreneurship, and active lifestyles. Sure, they had a little misstep with the “active lifestyle” thing, as I prefer to sit alone and in silence, but hey! Maybe I could use some guidance and life skills from a wonderful group of women like the Girl Scouts…especially if I just wrote a whole article on how to get free cookies from children. And if you read it, maybe you need the same!