How To Not Drink Like A Goddamn Amateur
Happy St. Paddy's Day!
It’s St. Patrick’s Day, which should be known for its celebration of the rich, centuries old traditions of ye olde Irish, but is instead known for excessive drinking while threatening to pinch people who don’t wear the color green. It is, without a doubt, the worst holiday of all time, and this is coming from someone who cannot believe that President’s Day is a thing. Why would I celebrate all the different Presidents by buying a cheaper car or mattress? And why would I celebrate Irish people by going to bar after bar, drinking beer and stopping only to watch people pee in public?
Still, if it’s your thing, I have some advice as a person who would rather roll up like a pillbug than drink on St. Patrick’s Day: Don’t. Be. An. Amateur. There’s nothing like a big drinking holiday that separates the weak from the strong, the losers from the winners, or the people who get arrested for vomiting in a trash can and the friends who have to bail them out. Don’t be on the wrong side of history. Be the kind of person who can go inside a bar and, no matter how much they drink, remain a dignified human person. Not someone who starts holding up the bathroom line with their crying, not someone who becomes a bro-animal hybrid who only responds to chants of USA, and not a shining example of why anyone who celebrates St. Patrick’s Day should be sent to a secret island that is also a giant trash can. I remind you of the best drinking etiquette tips so you can prepare:
1. Hold Up On The Shots
Shots are dumb, no matter LMFAO will tell you (RIP?). They are only good when you are about to leave the house to go to a party so you don’t have to pee on the way over, or taken ONE TIME to celebrate something. You only need ONE shot to get across the thing that you are celebrating. That’s it! We get the jist! Put the plastic mini up down! What you don’t need is to a) stop keeping track of your liquor b) a group of people lining up and down the bar to scream and make faces c) encourage that one guy in your friend group who always puts his arms around you and slurs let’s take shots. I don’t need to encourage that guy whatsoever.
2. Keep All Your Feelings To Yourself
Just because you had a couple of drinks doesn’t mean the world wants to hear about your anxieties, the struggles of your career, and the fears that keep you awake at night. Everybody should keep their deepest secrets to themselves, the melatonin that helps you sleep, and the mental health professional of your choice. And if you find that you need to vent some of your darkest worries to friends, do it over coffee, please. When I’m drunk, I am physically incapable of giving you good advice. Nobody can give good advice when drunk, so while you’re telling me you’re still in love with your girlfriend, I’m busy thinking about churros covered in cheese sauce. It’s helpful for nobody.
3. Put Your Phone In Your Pocket
If you keep your phone in your pocket, you won’t text people dumb things about drinking, your phone won’t die, and you won’t leave it on a sink covered in water and other people’s pee. You also won’t be that awful person who asks the bartender if they have a phone charger. I can’t confirm everyone else’s anxieties, but when somebody asks me to watch their laptop when they go to the bathroom, I can’t do anything but stare intently at the laptop. Everyone in the coffee shop becomes a potential criminal It’s stressful. It’s ten minutes. I can’t imagine I would enjoy being responsible for a stranger’s phone for hours. Also, if you are an adult: do not drunk text. If you pay taxes and get your teeth regularly cleaned and are in your late twenties, just SPINE UP and tell your crush you think they are cute or that you miss going to brunch with your friend on your own, sober time!
4. Be Nice To Your Bartender
Leave tips. Do not wave your arm or snap your fingers or use non-verbal cues in the face of a busy bartender who has 35 other people to tend to. Don’t ask a busy bartender what’s good here. I cannot believe there are people on this Earth who treat people who serve them food or beverage badly. It’s so boring and weird. Stop being an entitled gremlin who gets upset that a drink doesn’t have a lot of ice chips, or the bar doesn’t take cash, or GOD FORBID somebody ignores you for three minutes. Relax. They are working, you are drinking.
5. Remember You Aren't The Only Person At This Bar
You are not the only person in this bar. Nobody cares about your “WOOOs.” Nobody wants your coats piled up on one of the only empty seats in the bar. Nobody wants you to bother the DJ to play your favorite songs that everybody hates. You are a human being in a public place. This is not your damn home! Stay in your lane!
6. Keep Your Hands To Yourself
I can’t speak for everybody, but if somebody I don’t know touches me, I will bite their fingers off, and use them to stir my drink. IF that person touches me to move me so they can get to the bathroom or something, I will chew on their hair. If somebody I don’t want to date or kiss keeps asking me questions and then touches my shoulder, I will bite my own shoulder off and throw the blade at their face. Does this make sense? Keep your hands to yourself.
7. Stay Alive And Healthy
You know the general rules of staying alive and healthy while drinking. Follow them! Eat a big meal before you go out. Water is this cool beverage that keeps our bodies working! Drink it! Drink it while you’re drinking! Take Advil! Take a cab home! If you get into a car or let someone drive while they are drinking, I hope a witch curses you and eats your heart out. Don’t be a fool. Don’t break the law. Don’t take the subway if you should take a cab because it’s 2am. Oh my god! Don’t be an eejut! (Irish for idiot)