How To Tell People You're A Feminist
Come around, and I will show you my egg room, and you will know I'm a feminist.
Feminism is everywhere now. You can barely enter a GOP debate or Supreme Court or Forever21 without hearing about it. I’ve been a feminist for years, for a few reasons: I’m not a psycho, and I want people to rabidly dislike me. Although every movement has its issues, I find it to be a generally positive part of society. Intersectional feminism all the way! Go Team! Sometimes, though, if you know me outside of the Internet or meet me in real life, you wouldn’t know right away that I was a feminist. I find myself having to insert it into conversation by shouting AS A FEMINIST, which is boring and startling, especially when ordering coffee. If you’re tired of simply screeching it, I have handy, easy ways to let someone know you believe in the social and economic equality of the sexes:
1. Show Them All Your Eggs
One of the goals of feminism is to render men completely useless. They can hang around, of course, but they can’t do anything except run around and lift wood and grow man buns or whatever. That is what feminism is! Allowing men to relax, and letting them grow their hair. Leave the company running and world domination to the women folk. By now, you’re probably asking “but how do we make babies? I keep a small, incubated room in my apartment devoted to all my eggs. They will hatch soon, all as clones of the Smith children, and Zendaya, and Ariana Grande. Come around, and I will show you my egg room, and you will know I’m a feminist.
2. Talk About Getting Violently Harassed On Twitter
There’s nothing that says “feminist” more than that feeling of getting screamed at by egg avatars on Twitter. Every day, I wake up to the morning sun, the chirping birds, and the notifications piling in about how I deserve to be set on fire because I like Planned Parenthood or something. Or that I’m hideous! Or that I just need to have intercourse with some dude and maybe I’ll stop being so uptight! I don’t remember. It’s all blending into a beautiful, vibrant coat of many colors. I love Twitter. It’s an easily accessible website to a veritable fountain of angry people, all screaming.
3. Insinuate That You Feast On Blood
Feminists are notoriously scary, with no sense of humor. All they do stare at their computers in the dark, getting angry at television plots and writing thinkpieces about what pop stars wear! When’s the last time a feminist went out in the sun to enjoy all the beauty of nature? They’re impossibly fast, and strong. Their skin is pale white and ice cold. How long have they been 17, saying things like lit and wearing t-shirts with words on them? A very long time!! SAY IT OUT LOUD! SAY IT!
4. Have Someone Walk You Home
If you ever want to tell people you’re a feminist, have them follow you around town. Tell them to lag a few steps behind, and just observe what happens to you. Do you remember the beginning of Beauty and The Beast, when Belle walks around her village and everybody talks and waves at her? Walking around as a woman is kind of like that, except everybody is screaming graphic sex things at you. Bonjour! Good day! How you doing, sexy thing! Oh you don’t want to talk to me? You’re a real bitch! I’m going to follow you for a few blocks and scream at you now! After a few blocks of this, perhaps they will be a little more intuitive to your beliefs, and why you might support a culture that doesn’t openly scream at women on the street.
5. Show Actions, Not Words
Sometimes, it’s in your actions. Do feminist things like “support women” and “care about issues, “listen to women of color and transwomen” and “sit on a throne of garbage because you refuse to do gendered roles, like housework” and “talk to cats.” Wave around a Thinx underwear receipt. Screech! Throw a Game of Thrones book in the trash can because of its gratuitous violence towards women. Being a feminist is hard work! It’s not just a matter of working towards equal rights, it’s black lipstick and hissing and cool tote bags! And basic respect! And income equality! And giving everyone a fair shot!