Rant Of The Day: Help, I'm Afraid Of Everything

The world is very scary.

You guys? What the actual hell is going on? Are all of those nefarious underground cults conspiring to bring about doomsday actually succeeding? Is the computer simulation we are all trapped in slowly beginning to crumble? Are the reptilian shape-shifters succeeding in destroying contemporary society? Is the apocalyptic meteor hurtling towards our planet almost here, and if so, how do we get it here faster? Because this sh*it is NOT OK.

Like, come on, politics are f*cking insane right now! Donald Trump is some kind of malevolent pre-verbal slime conjured by a wise yet dastardly crone with the purposes of destroying decency itself. Aside from the fact that he is actively conspiring to take away rights from women and minorities, he's also grotesque as hell. We're not supposed to talk about how he looks because it's more important to focus on his actually heinous policy proposals but also have you looked at him? He is cartoonishly frightening.

He could be president! Of America. He literally bragged about molesting women! He kicked a baby out of a political rally! And people still love him! I mean, chances are he won't be president. BUT HE COULD BE PRESIDENT. I will literally lose my ability to afford my own healthcare under a Trump presidency. I will literally lose my right to not be discriminated against in public. I will literally have to look at his anus-mouth and labial eyelids on television every day. Get him out of here! What the hell! At least my last name isn't Trump, because that would be a whole next level of scary...

Oh and what about, like, I don't know — the f*cking criminal justice system? That whole thing is a damn mess! And global warming? Natural disasters? Zika? Civil forfeitureThat stupid pipeline? What about the fact that in 2016 you still can't be a queer or a person of color without facing considerable violence and oppression? Sometimes it feels like our world leaders got together for a book club on the most hideous dystopian sci-fi, but they totally missed the point of all the literature. The stuff in those books: they were supposed to be warnings. Not a damn instruction manual. Literally everything is scary!

So many bad things happen in a given week that it's hard to keep track of the terrors from only a few months ago. Remember Brock Turner? Probably not, because nine thousand more atrocities have reared their ugly heads since then!

And what's up with Russia? Are we almost at war with them? It feels like we are? I can't even begin to understand the complex geo-political ramifications of the various micro-conflicts our country is presently engaged in, but you know what I do know about them? That they are very scary.

Help! Someone send help!

And then there's all this f*cking clown stuff?! Are you kidding me with this clown stuff? I feel like it's died down a bit since Halloween but when actual (or perhaps imagined?) agents of chaos are luring children into forests like we live in some kind of nightmare fairy tale, it might be a sign that we need to fundamentally rethink the ways we operate as a society. I'm not even scared of clowns but that ish is straight up terrifying.

You know what else is horrific? Our quotidian existences in general! We have to get up and go to work every day! Our bodies continue to fail and hurt in strange ways and we are constantly bombarded with feelings of extreme loneliness and alienation! At this point, being trapped in a horror movie sounds like a vacation compared to the exigencies of daily life! There is not a single part of being in this world that is not fundamentally horrendous!

No, really, HELP! Everyday I am overcome by complete nauseau over how utterly dreadful every experience on Earth is! How do we get out of this thing?

Read more about: Pop Culture Donald Trump

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