Hey all! What’s cooking?! For those of you just joining us, allow me to re-introduce myself as you’re probably all, who the hell is Liz Out Loud? She isn’t on the Bad Girls Club! And you’d be right. As stated, I am Liz Out Loud and I blog for Oxygen.com. I know you look at my picture and go, that girl looks like the baddest b*tch on the block! Why isn’t SHE on Bad Girls Club? Well, friends, unfortunately there is not currently a spot for former mathletes who steal candy from their boss’ filing cabinet. Maybe someday!
So let’s begin dissecting the latest episode of the Bad Girls Club, shall we?
We open up with the twins talking about how they don’t want to bond with the new girl Elease. Well that’s a shocker! I thought beating someone up and pouring salad dressing on their clothes was an act of love? Dani and Gabi think that all the other girls are joining Team Elease, and they are gearing up for a battle at the OK Corral that is the Bad Girls house.
We learn that all the girls are going out that night to get tattoos. Now that’s a bonding experience if I ever heard one. Gabi, a proven daredevil who skipped out on zip lining and indoor skydiving, says she’s probably going to pass. Shocker number 2 of the episode. She tells us how at one point she and Dani were going to get matching tattoos back home that said “Undefined” but then Dani went ahead and got it in Chinese, and Dani doesn’t even speak Chinese! Get out of town! I figured she was trilingual!
Erica and Gia, meanwhile, go out to buy a replacement mattress for Elease since she is currently sleeping on a hard surface in the VIP room. While it might have been better, say, if they never threw the mattress in the pool in the first place, I am so proud of Erica and Gia for showing maturity. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
The twins, naturally, are furious that Erica and Gia do this for Elease. How DARE they act like adults and betray the twins like this? Et tu, Erica and Gia? Elease, as you can imagine, is very excited to have a new mattress.
Dani and Gabi plot to destroy the mattress. When everyone else goes off to get their tattoos, they will stay behind. And that’s exactly what they do. They are so good at keeping their word. If only they could apply that to something useful, like being nice human beings or studying physics. They take the mattress outside and douse it with mustard, ketchup, and salad dressing. They then head over to the tattoo parlor, where Amy is breaking her tattoo virginity and getting a Bad Girls devil heart stamped on her ankle. Gia suspects the twins are up to something. The twins notice a flyer advertising a bikini contest to be a ring girl. Erica, in her talking head, remarks that she would love to see them compete since they think they are so hot.
The twins leave the tattoo parlor with Amy. They confess to her that they spelled out “We Love U” in ketchup and “Welcome to the BGC!” in mustard on the mattress, and then tossed some rotten eggs on it for good luck. Because nothing says friendship like condiments!
When everyone arrives home, Demitra immediately notices that the mattress is missing. Elease finds a note in her room that says “Finders Keepers Losers Weepers. Go find your mattress biatch!” While I am impressed that Dani and Gabi spelled mattress correctly, I don’t see the logic in their note. If finders are keepers, then shouldn’t the twins KEEP the stained mattress? Hmmmmmm.
Elease, who has mastered the Zen-like ability not to whoop ass when confronted with batsh*t craziness, takes a deep breath. She knows it was probably the twins, but Amy left with them, so could she have been involved too? Amy claims her innocence, but she’s furious. And so is Erica. The twins wasted her time! She spent her whole afternoon buying this mattress when she could have gone tanning or shopping at the mall. Exactly what you should be doing when you’re in Vegas! Demitra also is not a fan of this stunt. The twins wasted good food! Elease, who has become the patron saint of the Bad Girls Club, actually feels bad for Erica and Gia since they spent their own time and money on the bed.
Fed up with the drama, all the girls (except for Dani, Gabi, and Amy) go out. Amy refuses to join them because she’s pissed that she’s getting blamed for helping destroy the mattress. Mind you, she’s not actually angry that poor Elease still has no bed, she’s just mad that everyone thinks it’s her.
At the club, Gia decides that she wants to get some. Some what? Cheese? Beef jerky? Nope, she wants some ass! Hehe. She starts flirting with the DJ Matt and invites him to stop by the house sometime.
The next day (I think, it’s hard to tell what time it is with these girls because they always seem to be sleeping) she calls him on the phone and tells him to come over. She takes several shots of vodka to calm her nerves. Because no bad girl should ever drink alone, Amy joins her.
Matt arrives at the house. Gia pounces on him to take a shot. He declines. But that does not stop Gia! She proceeds to take off all her clothes and jump all over him. Oh, and it’s daylight. But hey, it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere! Gia plows on. She puts on a bikini and goes swimming with Amy. She takes more shots! She gets out of the pool and kisses a very sober Matt. He puts her to bed. But Gia is like the Energizer Vodka Bunny, she keeps on going! She chases Matt out as he tries to leave. Her boob is popping out of her bikini. Matt is embarrassed for her because he likes her. But then she starts hitting him and breaking stuff! Ay yay yay Gia! You know better! Erica, the self-anointed den mother of the Bad Girls Club, covers her up, puts her to bed, and sends Matt home.
Gia wakes up a little while later. Could be two hours, could be two days. Who knows? As expected, she doesn’t remember any of it. She still wants to pursue Matt, because if he can put up with her after this he’s a keeper! I personally would want to move to Siberia. But that’s just me.
Demitra, Erica, Gia, and Elease go out to lunch. Erica recruits Elease to enter the bikini competition so she can beat Dani. They go to a bathing suit store to try on bikinis. Elease has a banging bod. Everyone is giddy with excitement at the prospect of payback to the twins.
Meanwhile, Amy and the twins go out to a bar with a mechanical bull. Amy tries it first . . . and falls off. Next Gabi—surprise, surprise, she lasts as long as a football captain on prom night. Ditto with Dani.
Everyone returns home. Erica finds a pair of underwear lying in the hall, so she throws them over the balcony. It’s actually quite funny and not mean-spirited at all. But Amy is frothing at the mouth because those are her undies. She denies that she left them in the hall, but Gia observes in her talking head they are not cootchie crooks (her words, not mine. I only wish I could take credit for that phrase) and they don’t go through people’s underwear. Well, I want to point out, there was that one time you went through Elease’s suitcase and threw all her stuff in the pool, but we’ll let that slide for now.
Elease starts working out in preparation for the bikini competition. Dani remarks that she’s on the fence about doing it because she’s gained a little weight. Now, I am never one to make fun of a girl’s body because that’s so middle school, but it’s just so interesting to see Dani express any insecurity. You would think that would make her, I don’t know, a little more gentle in how she treats people. She’s young so there’s still time!
The girls all head on over to the competition. Gia, Dani, and Elease are all going to participate. The winner will be featured in an MMA fight the next night as the ring girl. Gia goes first. She has no shame, as we have previously witnessed. She’s shaking her ass and doing her thing and having fun. Gotta love her! Her natural, er, skills just confirm Amy’s belief that Gia is a stripper.
Elease goes next, and she rocks it. Then Dani prances on stage wearing a negligee that covers up her whole body. Demitra observes that she looks like a bootleg Victoria’s Secret Model. I have to agree, though I think it’s more bootleg second-hand-lingerie-at-Goodwill model, but that’s just me.
Well, surprise, surprise, Elease is declared the winner. Dani is utterly confused by this outcome, because she got more cheers. And everyone knows that’s all elections work by cheering. That’s how President Obama got elected, didn’t you know? Dani, always a classy broad, gives the finger to Elease. Elease doesn’t care because she is just thrilled to have beaten Dani.
The next night the girls head to the fight where they sit in the VIP section. Elease storms the ring, totally smoking. The twins are seething with jealousy. It’s them against the world—for now.
Till next week—
Liz Out Loud