It was more of a Sea-Don't.
A Maryland man allegedly mowed down a group of swimmers with his jet ski after drunkenly getting in a fight with them, and then proceeded to harass officers trying to arrest him, according to court documents.
Joseph B. Ireland, 28, was hit with charges of attempted murder following his alleged booze-soaked rampage Sunday, in which he lashed out at the group of swimmers just off Dobbins Island, a popular recreation area in Maryland, before making amorous advances toward an arresting officer, whom he referred to as “Corporal F---ing Sexy,” police said.
The fracas began at about 8 p.m., when Ireland got heated with fellow revelers with whom he had been drinking in the water and took a swing at one of the men, who returned the favor and punched Ireland in the face, witnesses told police, according to a criminal complaint.
Ireland, whose Facebook page is riddled with racial slurs and posts about his “gains” at the gym, mounted his orange Sea-Doo jet ski and stormed off, but within moments he swung back around and began arguing with his rivals again, police said. After the second exchange, he zoomed off before circling back once again and charging at the other men, hitting one on the hand and smashing another in the face, sending both injured men underwater, according to a police report.
Ireland then tried to escape, but one of the men in the group he had been beefing with leapt aboard his own jet ski in hot pursuit, police said. Ireland zipped about a mile to his parents’ waterfront home in nearby Pasadena, MD, where he disembarked and dashed inside, leaving his jet ski adrift just offshore, according to authorities.
When police arrived, they found a visibly drunk Ireland with a face bruised in the earlier melee and a heavy odor of alcohol on his breath, according to a criminal complaint.
“I just got jumped by four dudes,” Ireland told officers, according to the complaint.
As it became clear that police were there for him, a “hysterically crying” Ireland began to implore officers “please don’t tase me” and begging them to “just take me to jail,” police said.
After failing a field sobriety test and being handcuffed, Ireland changed his strategy, and began to hit on one of the arresting officers, a woman whom he attempted to woo by informing her that she was “hot,” and “sexy,” and asking if she ever dated people she arrested, according to a criminal complaint.
“I’ve always wanted to f--- law enforcement,” Ireland said, as he attempted multiple times to lean into the officer while she read him his rights.
At the station, Ireland’s demeanor was markedly different toward male officers, whom he pelted with homophobic and misogynist slurs, encouraging them to uncuff him and insisting that while he would not fight them as a group, he could take them one by one, police said.
Ireland was booked on charges of attempted murder, assault, reckless endangerment, and a raft of boating charges, and was ordered held without bail, according to the Baltimore Sun.
In the wake of the violent and extended outburst, Capt. Brian Rathgeb, of the Maryland Natural Resources Police, told the Sun that he was thankful the incident didn’t end in tragedy.
“It’s hot, it’s the summertime, there’s tons of people there,” he told the newspaper. “It could have gone horribly, horribly wrong.”