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'Bind, Torture, Kiss Me': Killer Valentine’s Day Cards To Slay The One You Love
Nothing says Happy Valentine's Day like a card reading: "Hey, baby. I may have escaped from prison twice, but I'd never be on the run from you."
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It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and it’s the perfect day to give the one you love a homicidal Valentine. Why? Because, really, that’s technically what the holiday is all about. And no, we’re not talking about Cupid’s bow and arrow here.
Although its exact origins have not officially been traced, Ancient Romans used to sacrifice a goat and a dog around Valentine’s Day time (Feb. 13 to 15), according to National Public Radio. That’s not even the most, uh, intriguing part. Then, the hides of those sacrificed animals would be used to whip women in order to make them fertile. The women would apparently line up for the fertility-inducing beatings.
Then, in the third century, Roman Emperor Claudius II executed two men, both on Feb. 14, but on different years. Both of their names were Valentine. So, the Catholic Church honored their deaths with the creation of St. Valentine's Day, according to the NPR report.
So let this brief history make it clear that it’s not wildly inappropriate to focus on crime when giving someone a Valentine. Thus, we rounded up some killer holidays card for you.
1. BTK Elementary school-esque Valentine
This one resembles the kind of cards you'd buy in bulk at the drugstore to pass out to your classmates in second grade — but the message is a little more creepy. It reads (in bubblicious letters), "Bind, Torture, Kiss Me!" It features a photo of Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer, which is a name, meaning "Bind, Torture, Kill" that the serial killer gave himself. The name referenced how he killed his victims.
2. "Night Stalker" Valentine
Nothing says dedication quite like a card referencing stalking, let alone one featuring Richard Ramirez, the serial killer known as the "Night Stalker," who terrorized Californians in the 1980s, by first stalking the greater Los Angeles area for victims before moving to San Francisco and its surroundings.
"I'm your number 1 stalker," the bubblegum pink card states, appropriately written out in hearts.
3. “They will never find your body”
This one is tongue in cheek. It features stereotypical “serial killer” text, but the inside is actually pretty sweet. It’s perfect if you want to add a murderous touch to your card without actually featuring a photo of a notorious murderer on it.
4. Retro-inspired killer set
This set has six cards, so you can give one to your lover and five to your friends, or one to a friend and the rest to people you hate. The vintage-inspired cards feature Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, Ed Kemper, Ed Gein, Dennis "BTK" Rader, and Ted "Unabomber" Kaczynski. His is extra explosive and features the text: "My heart is like a TIME BOMB."
5. Heart-eyed Ted Bundy
"Hey, baby. I may have escaped from prison twice, but I'd never be on the run from you," says this card, which makes reference to Bundy's multiple escapes. His desire to flee was something he was very dedicated to, like your love should be for whoever you give this to.
The creator pledges to donate $1 from every sale to the Treatment Advocacy Center, which benefits those who suffer from mental health issues.
6. Hostage letters: "I like to watch you sleep."
Nothing says sweet romance like some good old hostage note lettering. It's a sweet (and also creepy) sentiment, and another option if you want a murder-y card without the image of an actual murderer on it.