It feels like just yesterday the second season of The Face began, the beaming faces of many aspiring models hoping to rise to the top. And look at us now, nearly two months later, only five girls left, and the dreams of becoming Frederic Fekkai's personal hair mistress are so close they can taste it.
After Lydia shockingly eliminates Sharon and a tiff ensues with Anne, we watch what is probably the best Campaign Challenge of the season -- shooting a fashion film for luxury jewelry brand Chopard to be judged by none other than its handsome James Bond Villain-esque President and CEO.
He tells them they're "going to be playing the part of glamorous girls chased by a mysterious biker, who just so happens is trying to deliver you a gorgeous Chopard diamond necklace.” Uch I loooove generous crazed murderers. At the end of the film, they'll have to deliver this line: “Happy Diamonds, a passion for excellence,” which sounds like a completely natural thing to say.
And as if doing all this wasn’t already on Mensa levels of modeling, they’ll also have to run while wearing insane Gaga-ish 10-inch heels, as well as beautifully structured dresses designed by Iris Van Herpen (which I recently tested negative for.)
The prize? A Chopard Happy Diamonds bracelet.
The remaining contestants head to wardrobe, where Van Herpen’s pieces hang in a veritable MOMA installation. These dresses are truly special, to die for, and not made for anyone over a size 0. If my ass were walking around in this spiked dress Ray is looking at there would be bloodshed on any and all public transit:
Time to try those shoes on. Picture a newborn baby horse trying to walk for the first time. Nevermind, just look at Afiya.
Tiana could barely even make it 5 feet before crashing to the floor:
Seriously, the shoes weigh as much as she does.
In fact everyone seems to struggle with mastering the art of walking in these things except for Amanda. She's like Flo Jo with cloven feet in these things:
But don't get too comfy Amanda, because your team leader is here and she wants you to get out of your comfort zone. Yes, again. This time, by singing “Rock A Bye Baby” at the top of their lungs. You would think Amanda would be embarrassed by this task. But the girl comes out of the gate FULL TODDLERS AND TIARAS STYLE. She is selling the ess out of this performance.
And wait a second… Ray is also amazing. She’s a veritable Sutton Foster of getting out of her comfort zone:
I’ll tell you this: Team Lydia may not be my first choice for modeling, but I would cast them in my local production of Damn Yankees over the other teams in a heartbeat. They've got personality in spades! Extra points to them for not fainting with shame as I would have done. Even Naomi kindly reminded Lydia which show they were shooting:
Meanwhile, is this how Anne walks everywhere?
Tiana is like "Cool, wow you’re great at that! Now about the challenge…" Given that Tiana is now that Last Anne Standing (surprising as they were a strong team), she has to work by herself. This hurts psychologically and also physically, as when the girl takes a hard fall DIRECTLY ON HER TAILBONE there is no one there to catch her. There is truly NO WORSE PAIN. I mean, if Anne is trying to get the girl out of her shell, there is no faster way than cracking said shell at the base of her spine.
Afiya is having trouble running in the shoes from Saw 3, and Naomi let's her know that if they lose, she’ll be the one going into the elimination room. Afiya takes the news well:
OK get your ankle braces on, because it’s shoot time. The director, Slightly Taller Bruno Mars, managed to get everything into position just in time to greet Tiana.
Tiana’s dress is to die for stunning, no? It’s also made for Tiana and Tiana alone, in that anyone over a size 0 should not set cloven foot into it. Tiana looked like this:
Whereas I would have looked like the Michelin baby sitting inside a stack of tires. Because Tiana is now the only member left on her team, it's up to her to bring it. And so they begin to shoot the ad. Tiana struts towards the camera, but before her mystery man can attempt to murder I mean shower her with gifts, she does this:
Team Naomi is next. Afiya and Felisa look great in their dresses: Serious, sophisticated and chic.
But when the motorcycle revs its engines and begins the chase, they look less like models and more like two girls running away from a bee at the brunch table. Naomi (in an opera glove) berates them and they take it from the top. Afiya does better, but poor Felisa is just not a powerful runner. I call this move “OMG Wait Are There Jalepenos In This? Oh God My Mouth. Does Anyone Have Water??! SERIOUSLY I CAN’T BREATHE.”
Time is ticking, so it’s time for the line read. Felisa gingerly reaches out, grabs the diamond necklace, and says the tagline as well as anyone could. Slightly Less Tiny Bruno Mars tells her this is her last chance as the clock is almost out of time, so she does the line one more time.
Team Lydia goes last -- and they had a tough time. Amanda’s dress was way… WAY… difficult to pull off. And Ray is wearing a tea-length electric blue sequined dress coat when all the other girls had fun, young short mini-dresses. Also, these dresses could not go less well together.
Amanda’s dress totally prevented her from moving her arms, so when she ran, she looked less model and more “fly on the windshield.”
And Ray’s looked like it came from a Clinique counter circa 2084.
I thought, given the circumstances, they fled the dude on the bike very well.
Judging Time! First up, the ladies of Team Naomi smolder on camera:
But once the tag line rolls around, Felisa can’t tame her sugar sweet smile, and despite Afiya’s A+++ bitchface in the background, it reads a little too kind for the “Stalker Valentine’s Day” theme of the video.
Team Anne’s video had a similar problem. Tiana looked stunning while fleeing from her generous psychopath:
But Tiana’s line read was borderline hilarious. She said it the same way I answer the question “How’s your dinner tonight?” at the Cheesecake Factory.
Mark loves Tiana’s look but agrees that the end of the video was too over-the-top. Anne is very gracious and blames herself.
Best for last: Team Lydia. I mean these dresses don’t even go on the same planet together:
Luckily, editing was kind and Amanda’s running didn’t look at all awkward despite the fact that she was wearing a haute straight jacket. And Ray’s line read was surprisingly natural. Given the circumstances, I thought Lydia’s team did very well. Mark also loved their line read, but felt that the girl in the full body cast looked a little “stiff,” and that the vibe was very “sci fi movie
Winner time! Mark names Team Naomi as the winner. She’s super chill about the news:
This means that Tiana is going to have to go into elimination as she’s the last girl left on her team. Amanda calls their win “complete bullsh*t.” Lydia tells her team that 99 percent of this industry is rejection. Is it just me, or do those seem like horrible odds? Why would anyone try to model? Even Harvard has an 11 percent acceptance rate. Come on girls, RETHINK YO LIVES.
Lydia puts Amanda up against Tiana, as she feels Amanda actually has a fighting chance. Lydia says that Tiana is “all smoke and mirrors.” But if I were Naomi, this would be a no brainer. Tiana would be packing her size 0’s as we speak. I think she’s the biggest competition there. Naomi asks Amanda why she should stay over Tiana. Amanda says that she’s “popped,” and Naomi (rightfully) is like “WTF does that mean?” Amanda elaborates, reciting to Naomi the same anti-Tiana speech Lydia gave earlier. “Tiana can be all smoke and mirrors.”
Naomi surprisingly let’s Tiana stay and sends Amanda packing. Amanda takes the news very gracefully. She hugs Naomi and is on her way. It was, for the most part, a drama free elimination. And then there were four.
Coming up in Episode 9!!! The second to last episode means that competition is getting stiff. But, I’m sorry, there’s a hidden camera set up to hear how the girls really feel about their mentors. Um… GENIUS. Cannot wait. See you here.