I’ve been going to the gym for a while now, which is great for my heart and body and obnoxious for literally everyone else around me. There’s no doubt that working out in the form of cardio and strength training is a healthy habit. It gives you energy. It makes you feel better and live longer. But there are other real consequences to going to the gym. It’s not all ‘lift it and forget about it.’ It leaks into your life and emotions and thoughts in a way that you cannot erase. It becomes a part of you. If you’re not sure you are willing to deal with the consequences, I list them below:
1. . You Will Talk About Going To The Gym Nonstop
There is no study that directly correlates running around in a hot room full of machines and being a complete jabroni who can’t shut up about it, but I can confirm it’s true. If you go to the gym three to six days a week, you will start talking about it more than anything else. You will be busting at the SEAMS to enter it into conversations; when people start talking about what they did that weekend, you will start peeing your pants in anticipation until somebody asks you what YOU did. Then, you get to say, “well, I went to this big giant room wearing my sneakers and I lifted a bunch of things I didn’t necessarily even need to lift.” And people will go “wow, I don’t really know if I want to hear about that” and you’ll go “look at my arms!” You will basically try to pass out fliers of your before and after photos, or of your mile time, or of your new lifting records or whatever. Many people will want to throw you in a pile of old Billy Blanks workout tapes and forget about you for life. But it won’t stop you. Nothing can stop you.
2. . You Will Care About Protein More Than Humanly Possible
Oh, god. If somebody asked me to do something actually useful, like teach HTML code or change a tire, or fix their faucet, I’m not your gal. But if somebody wanted me to list foods that have protein, which is something that you can easily Google, oh boy can I do it! I don’t remember when I started this insatiable thirst for protein, but I have a theory: after you work out for a significant amount of time, you become a vampire who only thirsts for healthful seeds and nuts, but instead of being shrouded in darkness, you'll need to get up early to “hit the gym.” And sometimes you will even be inclined to scream “QUINOA IS A GOOD SOURCE OF PROTEIN” like a gosh darn psycho.
3. . People Who Want To Brunch With You Will Hate You
Oh boy. God forbid you have a group of friends who wants to sit down and eat with you on a Saturday morning. GOD FREAKING FORBID. Because you’re going to become the worst brunch companion of all time and you know why. “Oh, can we make it at 1pm instead of 12:30? I have to go to the gym and then I have to shower.” And you have to shower, because you stink 80% more than you used to when you didn’t work out. And then you have to go to brunch and tell the waiter that you don’t want cheese on your omelette, but you want two eggs, a vat of grilled chicken, steamed greens with no butter, and a giant truck to deliver whey protein to the table. You will then tell everyone at the table how you are running a marathon and need to go. Just shut up and drink!
4. . You Will Try To Be Inspirational To Everyone Around You
This could possibly be the worst thing that happens when you go to the gym: you start encouraging everybody that they can do anything they put their mind to. Sure, I find it pretty incredible that I took my little slug body off the couch and got it to move around. I think that is accomplishing the impossible. Most of the time it just wants to lay stationary and be fed fast food. But what’s truly horrible about this feat is because I am doing it, I think everyone can do it! It’s awful! I’m one of those Instagram accounts that only posts pictures of beaches with font over it like I AM A BEAUTY AND A BEAST #SWOLELIFE. I try to encourage people and tell them they have time to work out and all this other nonsense when I should just leave people alone. But I don’t!
5. . Eh, You'll Feel Better
Okay… I feel amazing. My anxiety levels have gone down, I feel stronger and healthier, and blah blah blah why would you care? Of course you know that working out makes you feel better! Why else would it exist? So we could be stinky and tired all the time? No! Nobody would do it if it weren’t good for you because it’s horrible and awful! I feel great after working out, but I feel like a steaming pile of dog doo as I am running around on the treadmill like I'm being chased. All I want to do is leave and eat nachos. But I push forward, and I finish up, and now I feel great.