Happy Leap Year! Just like your aunt and cousins from Colorado, February 29th comes but once every four years. You might ask “why do we add another day to the calendar when my life is already long and cyclical enough” And the real science answer is: the Earth takes slightly more than 365 days to orbit around the sun, which is how we measure our years (I previously thought it was in cups of coffee). It actually takes us 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes, and 46 seconds to loop around that fat ball of fire. So we add a day every four years on our calendar to account for that slight difference. Does that sound arbitrary? Completely! But whatever! People have been doing stupid things to calendars for years, like how last week was National Wine Drinker day or whatever.
So what stupid thing should we do to commemorate Leap Year? Why don’t we take the time to do some things we get to once ever four years! Here are some things we don’t do every year, so we might as well do them on Leap Year:
1. . Throw Out The Old Condiments In Your Fridge
When’s the last time you looked at the expiration date on that old bottle of ranch dressing? I find expiration dates on anything pickled or for use on a hot dog to be merely a suggestion, but it’s a good lesson in minimalism to get rid of the kinds of mustards that don’t spark joy in you. Also of note: condiments start to grow sentient after a few years of waiting patiently in your fridge, so throw them about before they start to rebel against you. I’ve had a jar of mayo in my fridge for so long, I took it with my on my last move, and it probably knows me more than some of my closet friends, specifically when I dipped carrots into it one dark evening. Although that’s a lot of memories to get rid of, sometimes we just have to sink the cost before we end up on a very condiment-heavy episode of Hoarders.
2. . Catch Up With An Old Friend By Liking One Of His Facebook Photos
Haven’t talked to your old friend Jim in a while? Like one of his photos from his vacation in Thailand. Go the extra mile and add a particularly enthralling comment such as “I went there last year and had a great time” or “I’d love to go sometime in the future.” Maybe you saw that a girl from college got engaged, but you haven’t said one word to her since 2012? Be sure to comment congrats on a pic of her ring. It’ll make you feel that “connectivity” Facebook is so good for, weaving webs between the past and present so seamlessly, you’ll forget why you stopped talking to her in the first place: she was sort of racist.
3. . Finally Finish Braveheart or Goodfellas on Cable Television
These two movies take up about 85% of cable programming. They are on Monday-Sunday at all hours of the night. Just by the sheer volume of repeat playtime, you’d think that you would be able to turn on the television at the beginning of the film, or at least a different part of the film then the same one you tune into every. Single. Time. No matter what---you switch over, and Ray Liotta is shoving the dead dude in the trunk, or Mel Gibson is already on the battlefield, his wife long murdered. This year will be different. Look up the start time, tune in, and watch the heavily edited, commercial-filled, four-hour block of old-fashioned violence.
4. . Experience Uninterrupted, Fleeting Happiness
When’s the last time you felt blissful? Worry free? Do you remember the unbearable lightness of sitting in your own thoughts and actually enjoying them? I can only describe it as that feeling of flying before you fall into a pit of worry and bills and obligations and the boring cycle of life. Has it been years? For me, too! Might as well try it again on a day that isn’t real, and doesn’t truly exist!
5. . Propose To Your Boyfriend
According to both the romantic comedy Leap Year and an ancient Irish Legend, Leap Year is the one day a (4) year that women are allowed to propose to their men, instead of the other way around. Isn’t that funky? I love this idea. It’s so cool to see women doing something that traditionally; they weren’t allowed to do. With this in mind, I have to wonder: what other non-traditional things could women do on Leap Year? Propose to…a woman?! Get a real job? Put on sandals in the kitchen instead of their usual bare feet? Decide to not have a baby and instead live a fruitful life of luxury? Throw their traditional boyfriend in a food processor? Read a book? Oh, how I could go on!