There’s just something undeniably romantic about election season. That’s the only reasonable explanation I can think of as to why everybody’s getting engaged. Perhaps it’s the elegant wave of Bernie Sanders’ hands that inspired my brother to put a ring on his longtime girlfriend’s finger. Or maybe it’s Ted Cruz’s haunting whirlpool eyes that creates a desire to have a farmhouse chic wedding theme. Most likely, it’s Trump himself, a steady reminder that the world is ending and you might as well get hitched before we implode on ourselves in an orange-y blaze.
But like I said, everybody’s getting engaged. I suppose the why isn’t as important as a few other things, like whether or not you can wear the same dress to six weddings all in different seasons, states, and months of the year. And if there will be an open bar. These are the important things! These are the most beautiful days of some people’s lives! So get your wide, erratic “CONGRATULATIONS” face on, and let’s go over a few ways in which you can let the happy couples know you care:
1. . Pop Some Champagne
I don’t mind when people get engaged. One of the perks for everyone involved is the opportunity to drink champagne, the wine that’s been put through a Soda Stream. It’s pretty tasty! It gives you a bonkers headache, but at least it will be all worth it, on account of how delicious and expensive it is. And you can’t just drink champagne without celebrating something. We’re not pop stars. Life isn’t that good to us on a normal day. So when somebody gets engaged, immediately offer to open a bottle. Start chugging it before anyone can even bring out the fancy glasses. It’s not too hard to open it with your teeth, by the way. You’ll need a few chugs before you can really express how happy you are, after all.
2. . Get The Couple's Bank Routing Number
If you’re going to be invited to the engagement party, the bachelorette party, the bridal shower, the wedding, and everything else in between: it’s gonna cost you. And the newly engaged are notoriously busy leading up to the wedding, so why would you make them go to a bank? Make all this very easy on everyone involved. Bank transactions are easier than ever before with the help of certain apps and the internet—sometimes, you can even deposit a check just by taking a picture of it! Why would you ever do something so silly as giving them a crockpot and a bunch of different checks? Just ask for their routing number and have a direct line to all the cash you're about to send them. Make a weekly or monthly donation! Trickle most of your paycheck into their mouths. Who wouldn’t? They’re getting married!! Ya gotta give em stuff!
3. . Get The Ring Appraised
“Whoa, that’s a beautiful ring!” is what everyone says when they see the engagement ring of somebody who just got engaged. Don’t be a boring, carbon copy. Be unique! Bone up on your jewel knowledge. Research shapes (there’s pear, princess, and Blac Chyna’s planet-sized ring), and know why people bite diamonds in movies. I think it’s to check for something. Learn what that is and then bite the ring. If they’re not into that, offer to have the ring appraised. Most people want to know what they can pawn their engagement ring for, in case they go on the kind of honeymoon where they commit a crime (usually art theft), go on the lamb, and need to pawn the objects they have on them for fast cash.
4. . Start Showing Off Your Amazing Speech Skills
Everybody who has an ego as inflated as I do wants to give a speech at somebody’s wedding. But how do you audition for this kind of job? Answer: giving speeches at practically every turn! Just start wildly clanging a glass the moment you are within earshot of the happy couple, start showing off your knowledge of old Celtic sayings, the music lyrics to "Wind Beneath my Wings," Justin Bieber quotes, things your grandmother says about the normcore tradition of weddings, and other inspirational speech material. Learn to weave romance and intrigue and grace into everything you say. Be the kind of prolific speechwriter that will get you a spot in talking about somebody’s love in front of a bunch of drunk people who really, really want cake.
5. . Don't Be A Jerk
Put your own, sad life aside for one minute and let someone be happy! I usually hate doing this! I want to start asking intrusive questions like “Did you eat the ring because he put it in your cake as a surprise?” or “Would you have said no if you knew how many times in college he ate Hot Pockets at 4am?” or “How do you have the money to throw a wedding?”-- but those are all rude! You have to simply smile and be nice to other people, you old cruel troll! It’s hard for me, too, but you can reveal your evil form when you get home and are away from prying eyes. Just like Ted Cruz unzips himself when he gets home. And then the tentacles come out!