Are you ready for wedding season? It’s fast approaching. If you are still enough, you might be able to hear the beginning chords to the Electric Slide. A mirage appears: it’s Aunt Gertrude. She’s three Pinots in and yes, she’s going to dance. With you!
This isn’t a joke. It’s coming, baby. You might as well take your wallet now and shove it fist deep into a chocolate fountain or a cannoli tower or a buttercream cake. It doesn’t matter! It’s gone! For the next few months, your hard-earned salary will be sacrificed to the gods of toaster ovens, nuptials, and open bars.
Soon, maybe even this week, just as the snow and black ice settle on the ground, you’re going to start getting invitations in the mail. Join us! Join us for our destination weddings and quaint garden weddings and black tie weddings! Join us and live eternal in the spring of love! You can’t be like me: you can’t just set your mailbox on fire. You have to open your mailbox, and you have to sit down and ask your boyfriend or girlfriend if he’d like to accompany you to Oregon to spend a long weekend with 150 people you don’t know, eight people from your college, and your ex. Check yes, attend. Check chicken for you and fish for your lover. Check the registry. Why do all your friends need gigantic metal garbage cans? Check flight prices. Throw up. Heteronormative displays of love are simply the albatross around all of our necks, and you, my friend, are wearing five of them this year alone.
So I want to help you get ready. I want you to be prepared. Here are my tips to get ready for the inevitable wedding season:
1. . Get Rid Of All Your Friends
I’m asking you: what is the real point of friends, anyway? You can eat brunch by yourself! Solve your own relationship problems! Be the kind of miserable old miser Scrooge was before he hallucinated and helped the little cripple boy. Get disinvited to all your friend’s weddings by telling them things like “I love Macklemore” and “One time, I made out with your fiancé’s parents at the same time” and “I’m sorry, but your flower arrangement ideas are making me wish I was a vampire stepping into the sun.” If you have Netflix and dogs and cats, you 100% do not need friends.
2. . Start Eating Delicious Food Now
Before that big day, you’re going to need to eat really good, not-catered food so you can think about that while you are eating wedding plates of steamed green beans, and steamed carrots, and a little tower of steamed chicken with the kind of sauce you see in Fancy Feast cans. Also, bring a large bag to shove all the appetizers in so you can make a small feast in the bathroom any time the DJ talks.
3. . Get Your Body Wedding Ready
This has nothing to do with exercise. Why would I ever suggest exercise? No: this has to do with restraint. I need you to practice incredible restraint while smiling widely the entire time. Don’t be honest. Smile and nod. Listen to every word while freebasing mimosas. Sure, I would love to hear about the different ideas you have for your honeymoon. I hear in Atlantis you can swim with dolphins, because once you leave the country you don’t have to care about SeaWorld anymore. Sure, I couldn’t be happier to wear this 400 dollar bridesmaids dress. Yes, it is so cheap. Yes, I will wear it again, I will most likely be buried in it. Can’t you see I am happy for you? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
4. . Invest In An Outfit You Can Wear To Multiple Weddings
It can’t be white. It definitely cannot be white, lest you want to be torn limb by limb by the mother of the groom. Black is a little morose, don’t you think? It can’t clash with the color scheme of the wedding. It has to be kind of beachy. It’s going to be in 600 pictures. Try this: a burlap sack you have decorated with foliage, four long mirrors you have taped to yourself, all your invitations fashioned into a pantsuit.
5. . RUN
You can stay here and continue to read this. You can live your life with the kind of social network and contacts that get you invited to six weddings every year for the next ten years. You can go to them. You can smile and laugh and dance and hug and celebrate. Or you can run. Get out of here. I hear Key West is nice. You could open up a small coconut water stand where you cut the coconuts right there, in front of the children. Make friends with the girl who works at the fish shack. Fall in love with her. Get a bird in a small cage that speaks only in curses. Watch the sunset every night, wondering when they will find your new address. Change your name, just in case. Sip beer. Things are better. Good, even. Still, your hand still shake when you open up the mail.