We don't go easy on Macklemore here at Oxygen. We've been unforgiving of his self-congratulatory activism, his general rap ineptitude, and dopey wannabe-fuccboi fashion sense for a while now. It would be easy to pick any random Macklemore song and point out the vastness of his platitudes, the duplicitously well-intentioned faux-progressivism, the pandering solipsisms. But when we say that "Spoons" is the worst song ever made, that's not our anti-Macklemore bias speaking. It's essentially fact.
"Spoons," released just in time for Valentines Day, has already garnered scathing reviews from a handful of sources. A "celebration" of "love", the song details the intimacy of long term relationships.
Here are some choice lyrics from the track:
"I keep my jewelry on, she love my dookie chain / Cause guess what! (what?) That's my boo boo thang. (who?) / My boo boo thang. (who?) My boo boo thang / She get too comfortable, bathroom door open when she boo boo-ing"
"She said Fifty Shades Of Grey was the best read / I said I’m more of a Giving Tree type of guy — Shel Silverstein.”
"“I’m a man, but every now and then in bed / I know when to say, ‘All right, it’s my turn to be the small spoon.'" (#masculinitysofragile)
And here's some of the nastiest writing about the new song we can find:
From Tom Breihan at Stereogum: "How the fuck can you excuse 'Spoons'? ... This is, in short, the blandest, safest, most self-consciously twee piece of rap music I have ever heard in my 36 years on this planet."
From Matt Miller at Esquire: "Is this a joke? This is like a bad Flight of the Conchords song. This is like if Sesame Street did a horrible job teaching kids about hip-hop. Somewhere, wherever he is now, Tupac is crying."
From Alex Galbraith at Uproxx: "If there was something in real life akin to a scouter or radar that read Mackling levels, then Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ Valentine’s Day tribute 'Spoons' would probably make such a device explode upon discovery. The track is Super Saiyan levels of corny."
To this chorus of negativity, let me add my own thoughts:
"Spoons" is the sound of a talentless dude who has never been told to shut up by anyone in authority. "Spoons" is the sound of smug heteronormativity and the expected investment we all are supposed to have in it. "Spoons" is the collapse of all people's defense of Macklemore as an accomplished artist. "Spoons" is the music of bros who bring guitars to house parties and expect people to want to listen. "Spoons" is the logical extrapolation of the aging psuedo-sentimentality of indie culture. "Spoons" is an Apple commercial attempting to be edgy and romantic at the same time. "Spoons" prooves that "the confidence of mediocre white men" is a real thing and not just a meme. "Spoons" is a musical soft apocolypse, cataclysmically bad but ultimately banal in its evil. "Spoons" is so bad that if it were simply a troll, I would still be furious. Could I erase "Spoons" from human history, I would.
Anyway, here's "Spoons":