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Crime News Florida Man Murders

Which ‘Florida Man’ Story You Are, According To Your Zodiac Sign

Are you the Florida Man who calls 911 to get his kitten into the strip club or the one who spent two days in a closet before realizing it was unlocked? The zodiac, as always, holds the answer.

By Becca van Sambeck
Your First Look at the New Series Floribama Murders

It’s human nature to want to truly understand yourself, but always an eternal struggle to actually accomplish this feat. People are complicated — well, OK, fine, maybe not everyone. If you’ve ever read a “Florida Man” headline, you know people are at least … confusing.

For centuries, curious souls have turned to the zodiac to learn about themselves. So in the spirit of helping you dive deeper into your own psyche, we’re telling you what infamous “Florida Man” headline best describes you, according to the stars.

Are you the Florida Man who calls 911 because a cop is taking too long to write a ticket? The Florida Man who tried to break into prison to hang with his pals? Don’t fight it — it was written in the cosmos when you were born. These Florida Men are your celestial destiny. Embrace it.

Also, make sure to catch Oxygen’s show “Floribama Murders,” airing Saturday, January 7 at 9/8c on Oxygen, from Blumhouse television, which is dedicated to the bizarre and jaw-dropping crimes that come out of the Sunshine State and Alabama.

Ah, Aries. They have some amazing qualities: They’re passionate, determined, and well… a little stubborn. Even in the face of adversity like, say, authorities finding syringes up their rectum, an Aries will stay resolute in their beliefs. It doesn’t matter if no one else agrees with them — an Aries will refuse to concede they could possibly know about an object literally shoved up inside them if everyone is against them.

A Taurus is, above all else, a kind person. They always provide for their loved ones and share with others. So if they see an alligator looking slightly parched, desperate for a drink to survive the Florida humidity, are they going to deny them a cold one? Of course not! And if the alligator is having a tough go of it lately, as we all are, is a Taurus really going to deny it a whole six-pack? Don’t be so heartless!

Gemini are the twins of the zodiac, and while that makes them very witty and compelling, it also makes them a tad indecisive. And the problem with always being of two minds means it can be hard to take on a leadership role — even when the problem is as simple as slightly pushing on a door to leave a room. Look, it can, and it has, taken days to make that kind of executive move.

Cancers are known for being very in touch with their emotions, and they tend to love deeply. Their friends and family are very important to them, to the point where Cancers can uh, really let FOMO get to them. Like, in a crazy way. Like, to the point where they’re sneaking into a jail cell — you know, a place notorious for being party central — just so they don’t miss out on any time with friends. After all, what if there’s deep bonding going on?!

Oh, to have the confidence of a Leo. Leos really, truly believe in themselves, so if they aren’t playing basketball well, it’s not because they aren’t talented. Definitely not. They just have to shake things up, try something new — innovate, baby! And if that means getting naked, then so be it, because every Leo is convinced it’s exactly what everyone around them wants to see anyway.

Virgos are the cleaners of the zodiac: Everything must be neat and orderly and organized, and if you’re personally not, you better believe a Virgo will let you know. There is nothing like the icy blast of judgement from a Virgo, who is not going to sit there and let you mess up their detailed daily schedule by taking forever to do as simple a task as writing a ticket. “Here, just let ME do it,” they’ll say, ripping the pen out of the officer’s hands before asking the officer to sanitize the handcuffs, for the love of God.

Libras are represented by the scales in the zodiac because above all else, they value justice and fairness. And if you think it could possibly be fair to deny a kitten entrance to a strip club, Libras are going to stop you right there. There’s nothing just about restricting someone’s freedom of movement, after all. If the kitten has a legal guardian prepared to let them in, end of story, OK?!

Scorpios are a secretive bunch. It can be hard to get a read on them, and their mysteriousness both attracts and repels people. “Why did they do that?” people find themselves thinking, after witnessing a Scorpio with a table set up in the middle of the street, quietly noshing on pancakes while causing a traffic jam. And despite being thoroughly confused, you still want to find out more about them and their mystifying ways. Such is the appeal of the Scorpio.

Hanging out with a Sagittarius — one of the wildest, most outgoing, and charming members of the zodiac — is an incredibly fun time, until it gets utterly exhausting. But when others call it a night, a Sagittarius will keep the party going by any means necessary, even if that means enlisting the help of 911 to get themselves to where the fun’s at. What? It’s the only person answering the phone at 3:55 a.m. on a Tuesday.

You know who is the opposite of a Sagittarius? A Capricorn. They are pragmatic and responsible, with deep respect for rules. Even think about breaking a rule around a Capricorn and you will rue the day you were born. But don’t worry — they hold themselves to the same strict standards. They don’t just tell on others, they tell on themselves and ask for the harshest punishment. That’s just their powerful, all-consuming, love for rules.

An Aquarius is a little… different. Some could say they’re eccentric and spacey, others would say they simply march to the beat of their own drummer, especially when it comes to fashion choices. Basically, no, an Aquarius would see nothing wrong with using clothing to announce they have illegal substances and would be shocked that’s even remotely an issue. What’s so wrong about being honest?

Much like Cancers, Pisces are deep into their emotions. They’re dreamers— nothing is going to stop them from fulfilling a fantasy, even if it means stealing a legit scooter from Walmart so they can pick a date up and show they were raised with manners. If they don’t have a car, it’s the definition of a grand gesture, they’ll argue. Don’t you have stars in your eyes already just imagining the glacial pace of a department store mobility scooter, the gasp-worthy date destination of a local sports bar? Yeah, we said Pisces are dreamers not that their dreams are always wise or logical.

For more strange and astonishing Florida crimes, watch “Floribama Murders,” airing Saturday, January 7 at 9/8c on Oxygen.